Skywestern Crooked

Time Marches On

2011-07-21T00:09:00.004-04:00

Oh, goodness. Could it really have been three months since my last post? Wow.

The husband and I regularly congratulate ourselves on our beautiful children. I am falling harder and harder for this boy. Even though he seems to have given up on sleeping through the night (he did it for about two months, and then stopped. What's up with that?), I just really really dig living with an almost-eight-month-old. So freaking funny.

Talk to me next week when he's crawling and getting into everything to see if I still feel that way, but I spend a portion of every day swooning over his adorableness.

And the girl! She's just so - TWO. And it's great, how funny and fun a two-year-old can be. She sings songs, tells jokes, and has started with the imagination explosion and I'm digging it. So far this summer I've managed to have one day each week devoted to just Mama-Lucinda time. It's been fabulous - we go to story time at the library, maybe have lunch with Daddy, go home and take a nap, and maybe hit the grocery store or splash pad in there before we pick the boy up from school.

The past six summer weeks have been amazing and make me feel good about being a teacher - all of the stress of budget cuts and job changes over the spring had really gotten me to question the whole career change thing. But this time, this rhythm of staying home over the summer - it really seems like the best of both worlds right now. I am starting to get excited about the school year and teaching fourth grade (next month! ACK!). Scared about being full time, but I think we can make the adjustment. Though I will really miss lazy summer days with a baby and toddler. I should really be cherishing this summer, shouldn't I?

Anyway - things are good, even though I'm not getting as much sleep as I need, and the baby won't eat solids, and I wonder about my milk supply, and I think I use a harsh tone with the toddler more often than I would like, and I could stand to lose this 15 pounds, and and and. Mostly I need to remember that things are really good.

Remember

2011-04-24T23:35:00.006-04:00

I checked into Facebook late this afternoon for the first time this weekend, really. We had a good weekend - these pics are from dinner tonight, Easter Sunday.

Things were busy. Friday the kids were off from school, but K was still working. So I got the solo parent of two kids quality time in. Man, I am spoiled - I don't have to do that any more than 2ish hours a day, generally. But I felt quite the glow of accomplishment that I got them both fed and down for naps before K got home at 1:15, having bagged the rest of the day at work.

Late that afternoon we had some peeps over for a playdate and then takeout dinner. Wine-thirty came a bit earlier than usual, but it was Friday for the love of all that is holy (literally) and It Was Good. As I stumbled into bed that night, reflecting on the fact that there were two more full days ahead, I felt tired already.

Saturday was lovely - started with a great egg hunt at Casa de Boxingoctopus, and ended with a trip to Central Market and then K grilling dinner for us (is that illegal now? Do burn bans count in the city? These are things I should probably know) as I started in on the copy of The Help that Melanie had loaned me that morning. Ugh - she was right - I got to bed after 1:30am, but I've already finished it (now that it's Sunday night).

As we were heading home from a good (though crowded) CM trip, I said out loud what had only just occurred to me: that it was April 23rd. Which meant that the busy Saturday that started with an egg hunt and ended with dinner grilled on the patio - a good day, but not out of the ordinary - was four years since we lost our son.

I've been thinking about him a lot lately. Thinking about how to tell Lucinda and Wesley that they would have had a brother. As I was watching Wes this week, seeing him becoming a five-month-old (my favorite sort of baby) I thought about RP. I thought about the fact that Wes is not him, that he would have been a different person. But because he was gone before he was born, I will never know him as a person. He will always be the idea of a baby for me, in a lot of ways. Because babies grow, and constantly change. Lucinda was an idea, then she was a baby, then a toddler, and I feel like she is morphing into a little girl now. I can see Wesley doing the same - and it fascinates me (when I'm not being anxious about the specifics) how he can develop so quickly, change so much from week to week.

RP is a constant. As much as his life and death shaped me, our family - as my own emotions develop and settle and I try to figure out how to live and who to be, he is not changing. And I am still deeply sad about that.

Anyway this all started because my mother posted the following on her Facebook page yesterday: "This week we remember all babies born sleeping, or whom we've carried but never met, or those we've held but couldn't take home, or the ones that came home but didn't stay. Make this your profile status if you or someone you know has suffered the loss of a baby. In memory of all angels too perfect to forget."

And I can't post that on Facebook. Not everyone I know (or am "friends" with on Facebook) knows this about me, believe it or not. I don't always know what to say and I can't figure out how to be graceful about it and it's complicated. I know that this blog is on the internet for the world to see, but I still feel like it is my diary in a lot of ways. I still don't know what to think when I realize that people have read it. But I remember every day that my first baby was born sleeping, that I carried him but didn't really meet him, that I held him but couldn't take him home. And it still fucking sucks, even on good days filled with family fun.

Put Your Left Foot In

2011-04-13T18:00:00.007-04:00

I expressed a concern recently to my friend The Boxing Octopus that I have a touch of the postpartum depression. (You know, like how that one guy you dated had a touch of Asperger's?) Because on some days, things is hard. And I get a little weepy still, sometimes unexpectedly.

And I know that PPD isn't something to mess around with - and I THINK, most of the time, that I'm not really depressed. I think I'm in the midst of what one might call a tough time. What with the youngest child who is not as easy a baby as his big sister. The screaming, people! The screaming! If he were my first baby to be responsible for toting around, we would not leave the house much. Because the boy HATES the car seat.

Unfortunately for him (and my ears! my ears!) this family is now a train - it's moving, and he just has to get on. I have a job now (precarious though it may be), he has a big sister who has places. to. go, and we've got to keep things going. Plenty of screaming, is what I am saying.

Speaking of the sister - have I mentioned that she's two? She is two. So there is screaming that comes with that, too. Mostly sweet and loving with her sister, often sweet and loving with her parents, sometimes scream and kicky.

And dairy - I am still off the dairy (to help with aforesaid screaming) and do y'all know how I feel about cheese? Here's how: I LOVE IT AND WANT MORE. No dairy sucks. Nursing this little boy has not been as easy as it was for his big sister - he had a hard time figuring things out at first, and there have been some supply issues (both over- and under-) and I have to pump every day which isn't really something I enjoy. Sitting in the bathroom, playing Angry Birds on my phone and constantly checking my watch because I have to pick up students in 20 min? Great for the old milk supply, let me tell you!

And the job - precarious as noted. Thank you Republican majority! You hate children and the people who teach them, I guess. I now know that I will not have the current ideal job next year. I may have another, full-time job. It may or may not be one that I really want. I have to wait and see on that one.

All of this to say, tough time. Oh yeah, and the pinkeye. BUT - there's this. Screw the Hokey Pokey:

THAT's what it's all about.

Birthday Parties

2011-04-05T22:35:00.003-04:00

A friend told me not too long ago that soon enough all of my weekends will be taken up with birthday parties. Though I don't look forward to those days, I do enjoy the occasional toddler bash these days.

This past Saturday was a good one - it was for a family friend's third (of four!) child. Our fathers were best friends in college, and we went to college together too. And now we both live in Austin and have young kids - circle of life? Anyway, my mom was in town and was eager to see the youngest addition (she is Aunt Suzanne to them) and so we dressed Lucinda in a preppy little dress, put Wes in a polo romper thingie, and headed over to West Austin (where life is good and neighborhood associations are serious business).

It was by no means an extravagant party - just kolaches and coffee for the adults and cake for the kids. A cooler with juice boxes and a bloody mary station were found in the kitchen. A balloon artist showed up and hung out making poodles, swords, inchworms, and a huge palm tree with a monkey climbing up the trunk. All around, a good time was had by all. There was one unfortunate moment where the dad walked in on me nursing Wes, but I shall gloss over that part. Let's just say - if you aren't comfortable, I'm not comfortable!

Of course there are no pictures - my bad blogger status is already established, right? But later that afternoon we had a play date with another friend that I've known since what can basically be considered childhood at this point, and we broke out the birthday party treat bags. Because they contained cool bubbles.

Um, not so cool, it turns out! It rained yesterday but there are still stains on our patio. Luckily, the girls thoroughly enjoyed the clean-up-in-a-bucket method that K improvised. In face, Lucinda ran outside yesterday yelling "I wanna dunk my feet!"

Aye, It's Pink

2011-03-23T16:35:00.004-04:00

Will I ever be able to resist the punny post title?

So I was in my bed this afternoon, nursing the babe (I wanted to say "laying in my bed" there, but I will never be sure whether lay or lie is grammatically correct in any given situation, so I avoid it) and I thought about posting again. Well, for the most part while I nursed I was maintaining a constant awareness of the goop and pressure level of my left eye. Because the swelling and gooping are pretty significant, but changing regularly. And I have a difficult time considering anything other than the state of my pink left eye.

See it here, but know that this is different than that one time I THOUGHT I had pink eye but didn't. (it was allergies) Holler if you remember that, because it was a LONG ASS TIME AGO.

Anyway, I was thinking about posting several things and wondering why I even have a blog any more. It's kind of like it is a habit, but it isn't really a habit at all, is it? Once upon a time I used it to post photos of my cute kid, so I guess I'll continue in that vein:

Big girl panties are fun, but not more enjoyable than diapers in case you were wondering. If you would like me to write here more often, I guess tell your legislator: there's a good chance I'll be out of a job soon if the current budget is passed!

Sweep-the-Kitchen Quinoa Muffins

2011-03-13T23:07:00.008-04:00

For the last few months I've tried to make a habit of baking a batch of muffins on Sunday afternoon - it makes for an easy breakfast and/or snack for the toddler, and a dozen generally lasts for about a week on the counter.

Generally I use this ancient bran muffin recipe of my mother's that makes enough batter for about three dozen muffins, and said batter is theoretically safe to keep in the fridge for up to a month. This has worked well and I will post my adapted recipe at some point for these plain old bran muffins.

This week, however, I was inspired to try something new. I wanted to make something that I could use for my own breakfast, so I needed something more protein-heavy than the normal muffin. And my last round of whole-wheat muffins were very brick-like after being left out overnight, so I wanted something moist.

A friend had delivered some super-healthy and delicious quinoa muffins to our house once upon a time, so I went searching online for a recipe, as I had some overly-soggy quinoa in the fridge from a failed dinner earlier in the week:.

DIGRESSION:

In my search, I ended up at Enlightened Cooking and that is what I based my recipe on. However, I also found the original Martha Stewart recipe (not hard, as it is the top result in a google search for "quinoa muffins." The second link in that same page of results is for another blog that uses the Martha recipe EXACTLY but doesn't give credit! SHAME! Does she think that by suggesting people add chopped fruit and nuts she's creating original content? I don't think so, and neither does Dianne Jacob, from what I can tell. Especially since the hillbilly in question didn't even say "inspired by" Martha. As if there is anyone out there who bakes or cooks who ISN'T inspired by Martha!

END DIGRESSION.

So I have the base of my muffin now, and it's time to go hunting up some add-ins for them. Turns out the only dried fruit I have on hand is prunes (for Chicken Marbella, when I am feeling indulgent) and dates.

I wanted a savory muffin if possible, as the quinoa was cooked with chicken stock originally, so I thought about the dates. Should I add nuts? Here comes the inspiration part: BACON. I LOVE LOVE LOVE dates wrapped in bacon. In fact, I have a very clear sense memory of the first time I had bacon-wrapped dates, at a holiday party in a Capitol Hill rowhouse my first Christmas in Washington, DC (that would be 2001). And I actually had bacon on hand, so there you go. These would be bacon and date quinoa muffins.

It was pretty simple, really:

1 cup all-purpose flour
1 cup whole wheat flour (this actually turned out to be about 2/3 cup with the remainder all-purpose, as I was at the end of my whole wheat flour)
2 t baking powder
1 t baking soda
1/2 c chopped dates
1/2 lb bacon, fried and chopped
3/4 c buttermilk
1/3 c honey
1/4 c oil
1 egg

I did my bowl of dry ingredients, then added the mushy quinoa to it and mixed as well as I could, then added the dates and bacon and mixed those in gently. I put my wet ingredients together in a separate bowl, then poured that into the big bowl and gently folded it all together.

Bake at 350 for 25 min (15 for the mini-muffin size).

RESULTS: Not bad! I was going for savory (hence the bacon, reducing the honey and omitting the vanilla from the original recipes) and I knew the quinoa was already mushy so I upped the leavening in hopes they wouldn't be solid bricks.

They were pretty dense, though I thought the dates and bacon were a bit sparse for my taste. When I make these again the quinoa will likely not be so heavy, but I will double (or close) the add-ins so they will still be a substantial muffin. I would also probably add a little nutmeg next time. I think it goes well with savory/bacon stuff, and these needed a bit more complexity. That said, I think the tang of the buttermilk helped them avoid too much blandness. I might also switch out some honey for molasses to up the date flavor.

The toddler liked them a lot, as did I. I think these are definitely substantial enough for a workday breakfast for me (which might help me avoid my way too regular fast food breakfast detour).

Cognitive Dissonance

2011-03-07T22:01:00.004-05:00

Dear woman holding up the line at CVS:

Oh, Mama. I feel your pain. It is hard to keep your shit together when the baby is screaming like that. I want to walk over and offer to shush and bounce and cuddle that baby so that you can get this taken care of. It is impossible to concentrate on an adult conversation when there is a baby screaming, I know, I know. Oh, that sucks, I'm so sorry.

Jeez, lady. Do you really not understand how birth control works? Start on the day the pack says start. Take the pills in order. Don't skip around. Why does the pharmacist have to explain this to you like you're five? She's being loud and clear enough for ALL of us to hear it - surely you can figure this out, right?! Maybe that's how you got to this point in the first place, you can't remember to take a pill?

Wait, what did the pharmacist say? If you haven't gotten your cycle then what? Did I do that? Holy shit, have I been doing it wrong? Oh my god maybe I should get a pregnancy test to go with this dark chocolate.

Just Me?

2011-02-18T23:32:00.005-05:00

Do other people spend their internet surfing time filling their shopping carts/bags or whatever the internet retailer of your choice calls it, and then NOT clicking to order?

Just me?

I guess it is the equivalent of the zoned-out vague wandering I've been known to do at a mall once in a while. It can be most satisfying, in that there is no dressing room, so you can imagine that everything looks as good on you as it does on the model. On the other hand, it is less satisfying because a) you're still in your house, so there is the constant threat of reality interrupting your shopping reverie, and b) you don't get to touch everything. I don't know about you, but when I'm shopping I like to fondle the merchandise. Weight, drape, texture are all key. And shoes! Gah - how do you buy shoes online? Seems like one either must be happy to pay for a lot of shipping back and forth, or not mind blisters. But I'm happy to click around zappos, without ever pulling the trigger.

So if you were wondering how I spend a significant portion of my "dicking around on the internet" time, now you know.

Update

2011-02-15T21:07:00.003-05:00

Hi Kids!

Oh, I don't really have much to say. It's just that I think about blogging more than I used to. Not that I think of ideas for blog posts - not that, exactly. (though this Op-Ed in the New York Times about grief has me thinking) Just that I wonder if my little corner (dust in the corner, really) of the blogosphere really exists any more, if I think about it but don't visit or write.

What would I post about now? My adorable children? How the baby sleeps for 9+ hours one night, and then wakes up at 12 and 4 the next night, just to keep me from planning on anything? How my toddler requires more mental energy than my job? How I wonder what this newest iteration of my self will end up looking like? It's all transition all the time here, though I kind of think that is just the result of the transitory nature of childhood and therefore parenthood.

Also, I've been knitting.

Thought of the Day

2011-01-10T14:36:00.004-05:00

I just had to put this out into the world so that I can hopefully remember this long into the future:

Ask for help.

Today I finally called the lactation consultant again, something I've been considering doing for the last two weeks. Nursing W has been iffy from the start. There have been moments that felt totally natural and right, but there have been plenty of moments that felt frustrating and wrong. More than a few times I have said "It's like he doesn't like the taste of my milk" as he fought latching on for the umpteenth time in a nursing session.

After talking to the consultant for 3 minutes, she had given me a name for what is likely the problem (overactive letdown - something that had been floating around in my head for a week or so, as I pondered possible problems) and gave me a couple of online resources to look into to see if they confirm her theory. So far they do.

If this solves the issues we've had it will be such a relief. I often don't like to ask for help - though I am usually happy to accept help when it is offered. I don't know why that is, but there are times when I need to get over myself and just find someone who a) knows more than I do, b) has more experience than I do, or c) is not caught up in the morass and has a bigger perspective than I do. This is one of those times.

On a related note: my doctor told me to tell my husband to call her if I seem depressed. I should have told him to tell me to call my therapist. (I've been having the anxiety again lately). But that goes for friends, too: if it seems like I need help, remind me I said to ask for it.

Little Man

2010-12-09T22:23:00.005-05:00

So - December 1 was my due date. My how time flies! It seems like just yesterday (or okay, 3+ months ago) that I was posting about the fact that I was pregnant and expecting a boy.

Not that it even counts that I have a blog any more, as every post I write or even imagine writing must acknowledge the complete lack of recent blogular activity. So consider this sentence an appropriate recognition of my complete failure to be an actual "blogger." I'm cool with that, but I still have this internet space in which to dump pictures of my new baby, so thanks for playing!

From Skywestern Crooked

His name is Wesley, which was my first choice all along and a name that my husband initially expressed total opposition to. "Wes is an asshole" I believe was his response to my "Wes is cool, man. He's probably in a band, or at least makes awesome mixtapes" rationale.

From Skywestern Crooked

I had finally worn him down and Wesley was one of our final choices. I managed to give birth without the benefit of drugs (not that impressive given the mere 2 1/2 hours of labor, really) and when we discussed it after he was born, K said it was entirely up to me. I am not sure that he gave over naming rights just because of the natural childbirth thing, but I'll take it. Wes it is! However, I keep calling him Wesley.

From Skywestern Crooked

Wesley spent some additional time in the hospital a few days after we came home - jaundice. But he's been a free man for nearly two weeks now, has figured out the whole nursing thing, and has enough meat on his little bones and cheeks on his face that his resemblance to Don Knotts has faded almost entirely.

From Skywestern Crooked

His older sister seems mostly fine with her new role as a big sister. She is constantly asserting her ownership of....anything she can name, really. HER baby brother, HER hat, HER paci, HER Daddy, Mama, nail clippers, car, ROCKER OMG! It's all "Cinda's" and must be recognized as such. She is learning to give kisses, be gentle, and share - big lessons for a little person.

From Skywestern Crooked

Motherhood this time around is yet another new experience. It's shocking how much we've forgotten about caring for a tiny baby - particularly how damn TINY babies really are when they emerge into the world. It is nice to get to know a baby without having to simultaneously figure out a new role for myself. I'm already Mama, I just have another person to be a mama to. So far that's easier than learning to be a Mama for the first time.

From Skywestern Crooked

First Day

2010-08-23T22:36:00.003-04:00

Tomorrow is the first day of school! That means that I will be in the hallways of Elementary with a bright and shiny smile on my face, ready to help any wandering children or hesitant parents find their assigned room. On my way to my final teacher work day this morning at 7:45am (running late), I seriously reconsidered this whole elementary education career choice. Seems like a bad idea for a late riser and slow waker-upper to commit to something that requires one to be chipper before 8am.

After being woken at 4:30 this morning by a toddler who whined a bit before going back to sleep, I lay there waiting for my tiny companion to move in my belly. He finally complied (have I mentioned that it is a HE?) and as I began to drift off to sleep I heard more from his older sister in the other room. She wanted ME - "MAMA, MAMA." I can't resist that (well, I can, but for blogging purposes let's say I can't) and I got up to bring her a replacement pacifier, assuming she had lost hers in the night. The clock said 5:38.

When I entered the room, she started saying "Mama, poo poo" but it was a little garbled, considering the paci firmly stuck in her mouth. The source of her unhappy awakening was clear - from the commentary and from the stench as I got her out of the crib. After an unpleasant diaper change, she did NOT want to rock back to sleep, but trotted down the hall asking for "wawa." I followed, staggered around the kitchen putting together a sippy cup of ice water, then herded her back to her room.

It was cute, actually - she had the cup of water, and went straight to the glider next to the crib and said "rock." Thank GOD, she wanted to rock back to sleep. After 1.5 pulls on the sippy cup she popped the paci back in, snuggled around my belly, and we rocked a bit. She popped up with a few "Addie" comments when the dog came out of my room to head to the kitchen and then back down the hall for bed. I quietly explained that Addie wanted some water but was going back to sleep because it was time to sleep. There were some "Addie sleep" and "Daddy sleep" mumbles, and I asked if she was ready to sleep too? A nod was all I got before I kissed her cheek and clumsily got her back in her bed. Reports are that she slept until 8am.

I managed to get back to sleep some time after 6am. I know that because my alarm went off at 6, and I didn't snooze it, I turned it off. Woke up at 7:15, headed off to school, and wondered how the hell I am going to manage this with two babies waking when I need to be sleeping.

Whoo, Boy! That is SOME femur!

2010-07-02T00:04:00.005-04:00

Check it out! A post that I wrote and never published! I'm getting better and better and changing boy diapers, so here's my original thoughts on having another boy after losing our son:

So today we made our first visit for this pregnancy to the perinatologist. They did the BIG ultrasound, you know the one. Where they tell you "it's a !"

I've kind of known/felt for a while that this is probably a boy, and I have....feelings about that. I don't even know that they are very mixed. I would feel more comfortable, safer, if I knew we were having a girl.

That is weird, isn't it? I hate to even express a preference to the universe, but I am scared about having another boy. So now I get an opportunity to face my fear, 'cause even I could tell it was a boy up there on the ultrasound screen this afternoon.

People keep asking what Lucinda thinks/has to say about having a sibling and the answer is that "baby" is one of her favorite words. Might be her cutest word, she sort of sounds like the "get in my belleh" guy when she says it. So she happily says "baby baby baby" when we broach the subject, but what does she understand? I have no idea. I realized tonight that I have no idea myself how this is going to work, it still seems so unreal that I even got pregnant.

Blogger? I hardly know her!

2010-06-21T00:18:00.004-04:00

I had this lengthy argument once with a professional comedian that the joke is "Poker?! I hardly know her!" but he insisted that the joke is "Poker? YOU poke her, you brought her!"

Perhaps he was right, but don't you agree that Poker I hardly know her is funnier? I knew you would.

I signed into blogger just now so that I could leave a comment on Antonia's blog (she's so the best, don't you agree?) and remembered that once upon a time I had a blog.

Oh, what a time it was! Since that last post, a mere six months ago, I have developed and so has the baby. She is now a little person - complete with voice, sense of humor, and personality.

If things go well (and I am deeply unsure that they will but continue to work on it in therapy) she will have a younger sibling to deal with by the end of the year, as I am apparently pregnant and growing closer to the December 1 due date.

9 months

2009-11-03T23:19:00.004-05:00

DANG that was fast!

9 months in, and now 9 months out.

Lucinda is changing daily. She crawls, she tries to pull up on me, her dad, furniture, and her toy box. She does a great down dog. She is heavy into babbling, and recently expanded her repertoire to include ga, ga, ga in addition to the ma, da, and ba that she'd mastered long ago.

She's big into waving - hello and goodbye. But she's tentative with a couple of signs, too - milk, and all done have both made appearances in appropriate contexts.

I swear that she's trying to communicate with the dog - she does this buh, buh, bah thing whenever Addie is in the room and it sounds suspiciously like Addie's quiet but insistent "feed me" reminders.

We have recently discovered that Lucinda does NOT like egg yolks. It was the first thing she emphatically didn't like - everything else was perfectly acceptable. She drinks water from her cups - sippy and regular. And she's pretty much on top of the pincer grip required to feed herself cereal puffs.

For Halloween I made an eggplant costume - not quite sure what got into me there, but it was fun. Took several evenings to put together, but cost less than $10.

Lucinda has been in daycare for almost three months now, and seems to be doing pretty well. I am working part time so I get to pick her up pretty early most afternoons. Although I am still nursing, as of tomorrow I will also be supplementing with formula - I just can't keep up with what she's consuming via my pumping, and we've made it through the 50+ oz of frozen milk we had stored up. I am sad that I can't make all that she needs, and a little concerned that I won't be able to keep up the supply for weekends and other days when she won't need a bottle.

I am having so much fun with her, and I am so thankful that I get to spend as much time with her as I do. K and I both get wistful at how much she's grown and changed in these 9 months. I think we both miss her baby baby days - I feel like I am already starting to get glimpses of little girl there. And I'm even starting to think about starting the getting pregnant process again - there's lots to get through before it can happen, but it is on my mind. Dang, I sure do love babies.

Neglect

2009-06-10T01:14:00.003-04:00

Oh poor, sad, neglected blog. What with Facebook and Twitter, who needs a blog anymore? Do I even have thoughts that require more than 140 characters anymore?

I remember the blog, but what can I say? Lucinda is growing fast, changing rapidly, I feel the need to document it but I can't keep up! I ordered the Wonder Weeks and started reading it this week and so far I'm liking it, I think it's a good way to think about infant development. Lu has definitely been a little fussier of late and that matches up with an impending leap according to the book. Helpful information! Although it told me not to shake the baby, and I was all - whoa, dude. I'm glad you threw that in there, but really? We need that reminder?

Also, it is a nice contrast to the Sears book that I have been consulting for developmental info and Our Babies, Ourselves which I've been trying to work through. Both are big on the attachment parenting propaganda and it's good to get a little balance. I'm probably a little more on the attachment side of parenting styles than I would have anticipated, but I have found Sears and OBO to be a little heavy-handed. Lots of potential for feeling guilty about doing things "wrong" if you're so disposed. Which I am not. Disposed to feel guilty, that is. Doing things wrong? Entirely possible.

On the continuing life changes front, I've decided to accomplish the following this summer - two summer school classes, two additional certification exams, and a written comprehensive exam for my Master's. Also, find a job. And continue to be primary caregiver to an infant. And if I could get back to pre-baby weight too, maybe?

Daunting. I feel like I've got the infant caregiving under control, for the most part. By that I mean we manage to make it through each day and she still smiles when she sees me in the morning (best feeling in the world, by the way). And I am still thinking that I'll be able to muddle through on the classes and the certification exams. I'm newly intimidated about the comprehensive exam after talking to a friend at school today. And the job? Whoa. Feeling totally lost there. But all I can do is get through it. It certainly can't be worse than the summer of 2007 - in fact, I can say without a doubt that even with that list hanging over me, this is going to be the best summer in YEARS.

The Memory

2009-04-24T12:08:00.006-04:00

Today is two years since we lost RP. I got a very sweet phone call this morning, reminding me that at one time I thought I would get to this point without a "kicking, screaming" baby in my life. Lucinda does feel like a miracle at times (like this morning, when I realized she slept for more than 8 hours).

It is true that I wasn't sure it could ever happen for me, and that I am so, so thankful that it has happened. We have a baby with us now.

I told K last night - sometimes, when she is screaming like she was yesterday afternoon, I say to her "This is exactly what I wanted."

A couple of weeks ago K had Lucinda in his arms, doing the bouncy walk around the room with constant narration to keep her distracted from fussiness.

"These are our books, maybe some time you'll read some of them. That's the front door, you have to be careful not to let Addie run out when you open it.

That's a pheasant, your grandfather shot that a long time ago. This is your brother's tree. We'll tell you more about him later."

The Reality

2009-03-11T23:21:00.004-04:00

From Baby

I've been in a mother's group that meets each week in March. For our first meeting, we were asked to come prepared to talk about how motherhood has changed us. And I was kind of drawing a blank on that one - I don't feel much different, actually. So I asked the two people I talk to most - my husband and my sister. They both said the same thing - that I am much happier now.

From Baby

Okay, yes. Since April of 2007 I've been depressed an anxious. Some days were better than others, and I was certainly functional - I've managed to get my teaching certificate and most of a Master's degree. But I was not happy, and I don't think anyone who knows me would argue that.

From Baby

I feel lighter now, and more open. Which is not to say that Lucinda has healed all wounds, just that a weight has been lifted. I feel like I've emerged from a cave.

From Baby

I started this post almost a month ago. Obviously I have a lot going on, what with the infant and the two classes and the feeling like I finally want to see and talk to everyone I know. But oh, this mama-ness still feels good, and my baby is getting bigger and bigger and things are moving fast. That's good (school will be over soon!) and bad (I need to find a job and child care!).

From Baby

On the other blog topic front (I did at one time talk about things other than my anxiety issues, right?) I have been working a little on the crib bumper for the baby's room - I had started it for RP, and never picked it up again. I thought about it while pregnant, looked at the fabric and knew that I still wanted to use it. I've adapted the Bento Box quilt pattern to be the right size for a crib bumper a la Denyse Schmidt. I'm about halfway done with the piecing, which means I am less than 1/4 done with the quilt, as we know that binding is 1/2 the effort (at least in my experience. I have a completed quilt that just needs binding, and have had for six months or more, now??

From Baby

I hope to post some project pictures soon. Until then, baby pictures will have to do.

From Baby

Home Again Home Again

2009-02-14T19:52:00.007-05:00

Goodness, I keep forgetting that I have a blog where I post my innermost thoughts and worries.

From Baby

And now, baby pictures.

From Baby

Yes. We have a baby, she lives with us here at our house.

From Baby

We get to hold her and feed her and rock her to sleep. We even get to take her with us to restaurants and stare at her, make sure she's breathing, take her on walks with us, give her baths. It feels amazingly normal, and it is a giant relief.

From Baby

Lucinda was born at 7:25pm on Tuesday, February 3. She weighed 7lb 7oz and measured 20 in. So far life with her is great - she's a champion sleeper,

From Baby

and is gaining weight well (already up 9oz from her birth weight at the two-week checkup). Even though I've been here for the whole thing, I still can hardly believe that she got here safe and sound, that we've had her here with us for more than two weeks.

From Baby

Apparently she's a thumbsucker. Can't wait to find out what else there is to know about her.

Waiting.

2009-01-27T20:14:00.003-05:00

I hear that there are actual people who read my blog and they want to know what's up! Sorry I haven't been updating, but it's been a whole lot of not much to see over here. But hey, check it out. Another two weeks has passed since my last post. And hey, look at that. I still have a baby growing here - the ultrasound tech reported Monday that babygirl was at least 7 pounds. Also hey - check it out. I still have five days (-ish) to go.

Since last I posted, I got everything sorted and registered and paid and have attended both of my classes. Both professors were understanding and appear reasonably flexible about the fact that I will be giving birth soon and will consequently be going over the allowed absences. So now I just have to do as much of the work on the syllabus as possible so that I'm in a good spot by next week. Easier said that read, dude.

In the meantime, I generally just feel weird. I've made it to the 38-week mark, which is a relief I guess but not as much of one as I might have imagined. Everything still feels like it is completely in limbo, I continue to have days where I am anxious all day no matter how much she moves. We did make a run to the hospital weekend before last when I came home after eating at a friend's house to find that my blood pressure was reading 145/107. Everything was fine, they put me on the monitor, drew some blood and sent me home. Lanell said she was frankly surprised that it was my first trip to the hospital, and to be honest I'm surprised too. I don't promise that it will be the last before our appointed check-in time (which is Monday night, by the way).

I'm trying to alternate my disaster thoughts with positive ones, and for the most part I'm doing okay. Preparation is still pretty minimal, no crib set up, no carseat installed. I feel like all of that can wait until we know the outcome. I have gone through and separated the newborn-sized clothes that we already have, but can't seem to bring myself to remove tags or wash them. I've gone shopping for new clothes even, but can't seem to buy them. I've looked at bouncer seats and the BOB Revolution but can't make a purchase on those, either. (and the stroller is even on sale at REI right now! How can I pass it up??)

I know we've gotten this far and things still look good, and I hope that we make it to Monday night with things continuing the way they have. Beyond that? I can't see that far right now...

20 Days

2009-01-14T21:47:00.003-05:00

We got the results back from the fetal lung maturity amnio today. Based on the numbers, babygirl's lungs will be ready in 20 days. That's February 3 for those who like to look at calendars. That's also at 38 weeks 5 days, for those who might remember that we lost our son at about exactly 37 weeks.

So, that appointment we had to start induction tomorrow night? Cancelled. My sister's airline ticket? Rescheduled. My hopes that I might soon be done with this daily anxiety-fest? Crushed. I had tried not to focus too much on the plan we had put together. It frustrated me to go through all the details, knowing that it all rested on the amnio. But yesterday, the thought that by the weekend we might be done, it promised such relief. It was tempting.

So now I have to come up with another plan, I guess. I will be waiting, watching, and hoping, hoping, hoping. The worst has not happened, and I can only keep this up in the hopes that the worst does not happen again. I guess I will try to see this as something that is meant to ensure that the worst doesn't happen but it doesn't feel that way right now.

Tickin' Tickin' Tickin'

2009-01-07T23:36:00.002-05:00

Time, it's what I've got these days. Plenty of time on my hands. Time to lay in bed and wonder if the baby is moving - either at all, or enough. Repeat throughout the day in different positions and locations, and that is how my time is spent. Sure, I also go to doctor appointments, run errands, surf the internet, eat. Even go for walks and stuff. Consider the possibilities of crafting, cooking, and cleaning. But mostly, that's the filler part of how my time is spent, and often I will do those other things only to the extent that I am still able to wonder how babygirl is doing. For something that takes place almost entirely in my head, it kinda wears me right out.

Today is Friday, which means that I can say that I am 35 weeks pregnant. Emily reminds me that I've been spared almost two months of worry time, as I didn't figure out I was pregnant until I was 9 weeks, and I will likely be induced at 36 weeks and won't have to endure those last few weeks that normal pregnant people expect to spend being tired of being pregnant being crazy. But of course I feel like I'm packing in the worry time anyway. One of the worries is that it is a mistake to electively induce at 36 weeks. It's really just for my own mental health, and and and. Is it the right thing to do? Is it the smart thing to do? Is it the best choice? I DON'T KNOW. There have been these studies recently, but I try not to visit Dr. Google too often. Also a study of 100,000 births doesn't tell you how to approach someone with my medical situation and history of stillbirth. My doctors assure me that they are not concerned for baby girl if we deliver this early, and I guess I have chosen to trust their judgement. I also don't know how I could keep this up if I had five more weeks to go, so go figure.

When we took our childbirth class last time around we spent some time talking about the "next best thing" - being open to the possibility that our ideal birth scenario would not play out, that we would have choices to make and we may need to go with the next best choice. It seems silly now, to worry about whether or not I'll have a c-section, whether I'll get hammered by pitocin, whether I'll subsist on ice chips for more than 12 hours. Lanell has asked if I can see myself having a "kicking, screaming baby" and I still can't make that enormous leap. I suspect that no matter what happens I'll be shocked by the outcome.

2008

2008-12-31T14:27:00.002-05:00

I remember at this time last year how very very ready I was for 2007 to be over. I think that we can safely say that 2007 was the worst year on record for me - completely devastating. Really, not much redeemed 2007, even in retrospect. It sucked, good riddance, etc.

2008 has objectively been a better year, I guess. It has taken an interminably long time to get through. Although by most measures I am in a much better place now than I was at this time last year, my life still feels like it is being lived in limbo. We made it through the year and the calendar tells me we are closer to the possibility of having a baby with us. BUT BUT BUT. I can say that, i can talk about it with my doctor and my therapist, I can act normal-ish when people tell me how close it is. I don't really feel it. Or if I start to feel it, if I start to feel hopeful and excited, I inevitably feel more scared and paranoid afterwards, convinced that something is wrong or soon will be.

The latest update is that the amnio test for lung development has been moved to the 14th. That is two weeks away. My doctor wants to go ahead and schedule induction for that day or the day after, assuming that the test comes back positive. If the test comes back negative we will reschedule based on those results. I'm having a hard time figuring out when exactly to schedule the induction, as it all seems sort of make-believe-y to me to think that disaster won't strike between now and then.

It did occur to me over the weekend that I should perhaps start making some preparations for childbirth. Last time we took a great childbirth class, I did yoga, I had a philosophy and some clear guidelines about what I wanted to happen. That was all thrown out the window and now, well. I don't know what I want, beyond delivering a baby safely. I've been told there's a 1 in 3 chance of a c-section with an induction at 36 weeks and....eh. I'm okay with that, I think. I've been told that there's really no likelihood that I can make it through an induced labor without an epidural and I'm fine with that, too. I do know that no matter what happens, Lanell, our doula, will be there with us. That's a comforting thought.

Although the quest to have another child has certainly taken up the majority of my mental and emotional energy in 2008, other things did happen in my life. I have finished my classes, completed my student teaching and passed my certification exams. I am qualified to teach elementary school. So that's a good thing - there's a chance that one day I will actually earn a salary again, which would be nice. The past year and a half of living on one salary has not been an easy thing, and the upcoming months of continuing to live on one salary while hopefully having a baby in the house is intimidating. But! eventually I do hope to contribute to our household budget again. Man it would certainly be nice.

The holidays were pretty calm, my semi-regular panic moments notwithstanding. Quiet, easy, low-key. All good things in my book. We got a new camera from Santa/my mom. Perhaps eventually I'll download pictures and put something up here besides the rambling accounts of my neuroses that I've been sharing of late. I'm off to a dinner party to ring in 2009, a year which I hope to be able to describe as "just fine" one day.

Evidence

2008-12-05T23:39:00.001-05:00

So yesterday I went for another ultrasound. Things continue to look good, babygirl is measuring at approximately 4 pounds 4 ounces, give or take 12 oz (!). By that estimate, if all goes well she will be over 6 pounds when I reach 36 weeks. That sounds good to me, though still very far away. The blood pressure continues to be managed, the weight gain is a little higher than I would like but no one else is saying anything about it, so I guess I can say that things are going well, whether it feels that way or not.

Since I actually saw and spoke with with my high-risk doctor yesterday (usually I am just in his office for an ultrasound) we got to have that awkward moment where he said something that revealed that he was unaware of my particular circumstances. It went pretty smoothly, I guess, as smoothly as those things can go. I've seen enough doctors and healthcare professionals that at this point I really only expect my therapist to remember exactly why I'm so freaked out. But it's still a little disappointing to be reminded that my situation doesn't get automatically seared in the brain of every person I've encountered in the last year and a half of my life.

At the end of my visit we scheduled all of my remaining visits with him between now and that magical 36 weeks. In actuality, the last one we scheduled is for 35 weeks and 4 days, and at that visit I am scheduled to do an amnio to determine lung maturity. That test tells us when it will be safe to induce. Previously I had expected that I would have that test done on the Wednesday or Thursday before MLK day, but now it will be on the Monday before MLK day. Somehow those two days are a boon to my psyche. Although I know that technically it doesn't necessarily mean that the actual induction could happen any sooner, and I feel compelled to give my obligatory IF EVERYTHING GOES WELL BETWEEN NOW AND THEN statement. IF I make it that far without any problems (other than mental, I should interject) THEN we will do the amnio a little earlier than I expected (NOT THINKING ABOUT DETAILS OF AMNIO AS I DON"T LIKE NEEDLES) and then possibly the induction could happen a little earlier than I originally thought.

In the meantime, there is the problem of making it to that point with my head still attached. Often it feels like my head could spin off at any moment, powered by the churning of my anxious thoughts. Emily has been good, reminding me that time passes whether I feel it or not, that I should think of this as our friend Nick thought of boot camp. Each day you make it through can't be taken away. I try to remember that as each day seems to take an eternity to make it through.

I am trying to line up various activities to keep me busy over the next few weeks, in the hopes that distraction is the best plan. I've made a list of various projects that require my attention. Primary among them is a wedding album. Wha? But you've been married for nearly FIVE YEARS! I hear you saying. It is true - and for the entirety of those five years, I have lived without having a physical wedding album. Can you believe it??? I procrastinate, what can I say? But I have finally gone through all of the digital files and chosen the best ones. I have a leather-bound scrapbook, I have paper, adhesive, pens. It will happen. I may even choose a couple of photos and FRAME THEM OMG.

I like this one cause it's classic

I like this one too

Again

2008-11-22T16:41:00.005-05:00

Here we are, another two-plus weeks since the last post. The past two weeks were exhausting, as they were the "total teach" portion of my student teaching experience. Man, it was long hours and hard work for me, I was totally exhausted at the end of each day. But now it's done, and I have just a couple of weeks of much easier business to take care of and then I am D-O-N-E done. I'll be honest and let you know that I'm kind of over second graders at this point. I think I am more into older kids, educationally speaking.

Of course, my therapist has strongly encouraged me to come up with something equally absorbing for the six weeks following my completion of the program. So far I'm kind of unsure what that will be. But I'm thinking I'll line up regular walks with neighborhood ladies, perhaps some substitute teaching, or check to see if I can pick up some office work. Money is in short supply around here, so anything that might actually pay me would be welcome.

I am 28 weeks pregnant now, so I guess officially in the third trimester. Pressure is building for me to prepare for a baby. Prepare the house, prepare with baby stuff, prepare emotionally for my life to change. But I find that I can't do it. We did so much preparation last time, and I still have all of the stuff that we received and purchased for RP. All unused, of course, all gender-neutral, still with tags, mostly stored with my mother but some here in what I still insist on calling the "front room" instead of the nursery. I've spread a nice layer of my crafty stuff around the room, and it currently functions only as storage. I'm much more comfortable with that idea than I am with having it ready again. The possibility of needing to pack everything away later prevents me from unpacking anything now.

I'm having a hard time thinking about preparing for anything, really - holidays, my final teaching evaluation, dinner tonight. I've looked at some of the stuff that remains in the changing table we bought, though. We have all that we need if all goes well - someone may need to wash some onesies between now and then, and my mom will have to dig out the carseat if we are to bring a baby girl home from the hospital. But for the most part things can be made ready on short notice. I hope that the same is true for me, but as I remain unconvinced that things will go well for us, that isn't a worry right now. Mostly I focus on getting through each day without going mad with anxiety. Some days are better than others on that front. I did manage to fill out the pre-admittance form for the hospital, though. Not sure if that betrays hope or anxiety - it was good to have it done when we arrived unexpectedly last time...

Meanwhile, Back at the Ranch House

2008-11-01T18:00:00.005-04:00

Goodness, has it really been two weeks since I last updated? I guess time flies when you're spending all day keeping up with 7-year-olds and all evening "resting" (ie, internet and television in lieu of schoolwork).

Things continue to move along. Babygirl gives me greater and more regular reassurance of her vitality by moving around throughout the day, and things are starting to be timed with my food intake. Almost every morning I seem to wake up ahead of the alarm clock - some time between 5 and 5:45 usually. I'll lie in bed, half awake. And I'll send her my request - "honey, please give me a little something so I know you're okay before I get up" - and so far she's proving pretty cooperative. I'll get a thump, often within about 10-20 seconds.

I'm at 25 weeks, and I have to say that 36 weeks doesn't seem any closer now than it did at 12 weeks. Being this far along does mean that I have the reassurance of movement that I can usually detect, but it brings other complications for my situation, too. First, I've been pregnant before, so there are constant reminders of our loss. I'll think about how things are the same, or more likely, how incredibly different I feel now. That leads to pondering what I was thinking and feeling when I was pregnant before, and how it all went wrong. My therapist refers to this as re-experiencing the trauma, and tells me to be aware and not do anything that I know ahead of time will be a trigger. So, fair warning - I won't be driving to Bryan America by myself again.

Being noticeably pregnant means more casual conversations with people that I don't know, and that means such innocent, normal questions as "is this your first?" or "do you want a boy or a girl?" or all sorts of questions about "when the baby comes."

Some days I handle that sort of thing better than others, but no matter what I spend a lot of time going over my reaction after. I can't really talk about plans, as I kind of don't have any. My plan is to make it through each day without going crazy with worry and sadness. Actually, my hope is to make it through each day without going crazy with worry and sadness. Being busy with student teaching continues to be a good thing on that front, but my energy level is starting to drop, and at the end of the day I am more likely to be wiped out than I was before. Makes it hard to keep up with the workload, but so far I think I'm doing okay, I've gotten good evaluations and all that sort of thing. My strategy is to look no more than a week ahead, and usually it is more like two days ahead that I can see.

At the moment, two days ahead means the election. I'm nervous and scared and can barely bring myself to be hopeful that Obama could really be elected. As much as I think that if the world is good in the way that I believe it should be Obama will be our next President, I still can't bring myself to get my hopes up. It's a familiar feeling...

Political

2008-10-19T12:24:00.003-04:00

My mother emailed me this morning to tell me that my hometown newspaper endorsed Obama - the first time they've endorsed a Democrat in almost 50 years. INSANITY! Please tell me this means that tides are turning.

Of course, the inlaws are visiting right now and on Friday when they got here they were talking about listening to Sean Hannity on the way to Austin. Apparently Hannity invited people to call in and explain why they were supporting Obama, and according to the inlaws it was a bunch of stupid people who had no good reason.

After about 5 minutes of this I offered that I could explain why I was voting for O. But I could tell that they feel pretty confident that he won't be elected. My hope is that the political environment now is the same for them now as it has been for me over the last almost 10 years. I look around at my world, my friends and acquaintances, the media I consume, and I think "How on earth could anyone POSSIBLY think it's a good idea to vote for Bush?" and then when he's elected it is just depressing confirmation that the real world does not line up with my values. It is my fervent hope that conservatives all over the country have that experience this November.

But seriously, folks. I read something in the NYTimes today about how Obama is definitely going to win and IT IS SO NOT A SURE THING! There are millions of well-intentioned but still fundamentally racist people out there who just don't see how he could possibly be president. As nice as it is to know that the hometown paper has seen the light, I still think the Bradley effect is a very serious impediment to my political hopes being realized.

The good news is, we took the inlaws to the Maker Faire Austin yesterday. It was very much a tables-are-turned situation, I think they felt as fish-out-of-water there as I do when we go out and about with them in Shreveport.

Baby Talk

2008-10-13T17:35:00.007-04:00

Mary said she wanted more frequent pregnancy updates, so here you go -

Today was the 22 week ultrasound (monthly ultrasounds for me). The pictures we got were the stereotypical what-the-heck-is-that variety, just some greyish blobs on the screen. At one point in the session, however, we had a clear view of babygirl's face and she rewarded us with a big gawping of her mouth - open, shut, open, shut. I was reminded of the scene in When Harry Met Sally when they are playing Pictionary.

Baby Fish Mouth is sweeping the nation. Can I just interject here that although I never remember WHMS when asked about my favorite movies, it is totally on the list? I always think of Princess Bride, which yes, I love dearly. But I can quote along with Harry and Sally just as well. So thank you, Rob Reiner for your late-80's output, in case you haven't gotten props lately.

Of course no pregnancy tale is complete without the requisite anxiety component. At the beginning of the session before the tech was telling us what she was seeing, I saw a blob on the screen and there were no moving parts. And I assumed that we had lost the baby. Turns out it was the head, not the abdomen, which explained the lack of cardio activity there. When we did get to the part where they measure the heart rate and I heard the heart beating, I was relieved, but it wasn't that old gush of oh-thank-you-everything-is-okay. A big fat "for now" is firmly embedded in every message of "everything looks good" that I hear.

But yes, things look good f*r n*w - baby is growing well, weighing in at over 1 pound now. My blood pressure has been excellent at all recent doctor visits. So far I have gained about 10 pounds, which puts me on track for about 20 total if all goes well, which should help with the blood pressure thing. I have been dealing with an apparent sinus infection since Friday but it seems to be on the way out.

There's also the whole student teaching and going to school thing happening. Thank goodness I have something to do other than focus on the "for now" worries of my life each day.

Movement

2008-10-09T22:21:00.004-04:00

So, I've been feeling the baby move for a while now. At least a month. It is inconsistent, but it is enough now that K can often feel it if he puts his hand on my belly. Of course, when it started it was reassuring. Finally I had something concrete, something to let me know that things are okay. But the inconsistency has gotten to be its own worry now. On the one hand, there will be a couple of days where I feel her moving throughout the day. But then there will be a day or two where I'm not feeling much at all. It's hard not to freak out on those days.

Okay, I'll be honest. It's hard not to freak out on most days. I'm still on edge most of the time, and I'll admit that I've made more than one request for my OB's office to fit me in at the last minute to check everything out. (I love them, by the way and am SO HAPPY that I switched.) Last Friday, I had what I thought was a contraction but I thought it couldn't be a contraction at 21 weeks. So they got me in to see them at 3:30 on Friday afternoon. And yes, it appears that it probably was a contraction. I need to drink more water, apparently.

By Wednesday, when my originally-scheduled regular checkup came around, I mentioned that I wasn't feeling as much movement in the past few days. Or at least, it had changed - smaller, less frequent. The midwife, God bless her, said "let's just go take a look" and I got a nice little ultrasound. Yet again, she was moving all over the place and I wasn't feeling it. I can tell myself that that is probably true, but it's another thing entirely to SEE the baby move, know that it's happening inside my body, and not feel it. She was transverse with her head on my right side and her back facing out, which kindof explains the changes in movement patterns - probably due to a change in position.

So after the appointment I'm giving Kelly this report via cellphone, mentioning that I was previously worried about the changes in movement, and he says "but don't you remember the other night when you were asleep and I was feeling her move all over the place? You woke up and we talked about it." and the answer was no. I did not remember, as apparently I was deeply asleep during their special moment, my conversation notwithstanding.

p.s. I checked and it looks like this is the official announcement that we are having a girl. We dithered for a bit about whether to tell, but decided that it was impossible not to use pronouns once you know. So!

p.p.s. Word to the wise, don't search for "baby girl booties" on etsy, or you'll end up somewhere like this, which is just totally ridiculous. Seriously, if it weren't already No-spend-tober, that could be very dangerous.

Spec-craft-ular

2008-10-05T13:20:00.002-04:00

So I have been feeling a little on the crafty side of late. Of course, I can't manage to knit anything for some reason, but I have done a bit of sewing. For some reason fabric is more inspirational to me these days than yarn. Hmph.

I co-hosted a baby shower last weekend and created this bit of magic for some of the decorations. I kept saying that it was from Martha Stewart, but upon further reflection I got the idea from the purl bee. It was pretty easy and I thought it looked fun for the brunch.

I also made a couple of baby blankets, also for the shower. This started because I offered to replicate a flannel baby blanket for Bax, who has shredded his in the past three years. I found a couple of things online to guide me, but ultimately I just sort of made it up.

This one is for a Euro-American lovechild, her parents are known for their sleek design sensibility.

This one is for the daughter of our close friends the Englones. They are a little harder to pin dow, but I figured a bird motif couldn't hurt. Being the baby of an ornithologist, I don't see how she'll avoid it.

Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act

2008-10-02T19:48:00.001-04:00

October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the United States. More than 25,000 children are stillborn in the United States every year leaving mothers, entire families and communities devastated. Estimates of the rate of occurrence of stillbirth make it at least as common as autism.

Stillbirth is not an intractable problem. Greater research would likely significantly reduce its incidence, but good research requires good data. H.R. 5979: Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act is under consideration by Congress. This proposed bill would standardize stillbirth investigation and diagnosis, thus providing more data for the needed research. Better research means fewer children born still.

On October 15th, remember the thousands of unfinished children lost and the families who remain to grieve them. Honor them by taking action. Let’s help pass H.R. 5979.

Action Steps:

Step 1. Use Your Blog to Enlist Others
-Copy the contents of this entire post and publish it on your blog immediately.

GOAL: Enlist 10 of your readers to spread the word

Step 2. Use Your E-mail to Enlist Others
-E-mail 5 bloggers and ask them (nicely and in an unspammy way) to publish these action steps on their blog. Consider contacting celebrity bloggers, political bloggers, medical bloggers, or bloggers who are not part of your reading community.

GOAL: Enlist 3 bloggers outside of your normal blog sphere to spread the word in other online communities.

Step 3. Help Pass the Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act
-By October 15th, publish a post on your blog supporting H.R. 5979 Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act. For maximum impact, title your post: “Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act.”

GOAL: 1,000,000 Google results on October 15th when that term is searched for. Currently, Google only returns 20,400 pages - most of which have nothing to do with the bill.

Bink

2008-09-24T10:30:00.002-04:00

RIP Bink Smith, 1998-2008.

Makes me want to believe in doggy heaven.

Dreamlife

2008-09-08T19:40:00.004-04:00

Okay, I know that it's one of the rules of blogging that you aren't supposed to blog your dreams. But we all know that I am already a crappy blogger, so I will share with you my freaktastic pregnancy dream from Saturday night. Actually, from what I've read, this isn't THAT crazy but it sure did freak me right out.

Okay, so in my dream I had just had the baby. K and I were camping without the baby though, and my milk came in. We are in the tent and my breasts are full and hurting. So.....I nurse Addie.

Yes, this Addie.

Then, we go back home and I nurse the baby for the first time. It was a baby girl and it felt weird. When I woke up I thought - wait, wouldn't I have nursed the baby in the hospital? That dream didn't make ANY DAMN SENSE.

Progress

2008-09-06T19:56:00.004-04:00

Although I know that life keeps moving whether we feel the progress or not, lately I have to say I've been feeling it more. Time passing feels like a good thing again - I am moving towards something, and I can feel it getting closer. Still not even halfway there, but getting closer. That's the important part, I think.

My first official week of student teaching is complete. Nowhere near halfway done with that, either. But so far so good, I think. It's a fairly small class - 15 second graders - and my cooperating teacher is really good. Wednesdays are tough, since I get to school at about 7:15 and then have my graduate class that night from 6:30-9, so I don't get home until 9:30 or later. That's a long freaking day for a pregnant lady. A classmate actually offered that I could come hang out at her house in Round Rock and take a nap on Wednesdays, and I am not ruling it out.

The other major development is that we got a new back door! My mom, she is in the middle of building a new house for herself. In the meantime, she is living in a one-room garage apartment with her 60-pound standard poodle Zak. This is her apartment. No, really, that's it.

Anyway, my mom decided to tack on a new back door for OUR house to her three-bedroom house in Bryan. I think she's come to the realization that there will be no money for such things at our house for quite a while. We dithered for a while about what to get, and then finally ordered it from Lowe's almost a month ago. Somehow neither of us wrote down the estimated delivery date, so when I got the phone call this week that out door had arrived, we were both surprised. In the time since the order was made, Kelly had decided that he would install it himself! I was a little taken aback, but didn't want to be discouraging. Also, I figured we could call Santiago if it didn't work out.

Now, as I sit at the kitchen table and gaze lovingly at our new doors (sans trim, of course) I wonder why I ever doubt him. They look and work great and the best part is that they have those interior shade thingies, and these particular interior shade thingies can be expanded from the bottom up AND the top down. Which means that we can raise them about 18 inches from the bottom and spare ourselves the regular OMG there's a SQUIRREL IN THE BACKYARD!@! barkfests. That was the primary selling point, I'll be honest.

Labor Day

2008-09-01T13:03:00.005-04:00

I'm sorry, did I really only post three times in the entire month of August? Sorry about that.

Here's a quick rundown of what I neglected to tell you about:

- I changed OBs and therefore changed hospitals. I was kind of ambivalent about my doctor, and I am still a little ambivalent about the decision but I think it is done.

- I will be student teaching in BFE Suburbia, I've met my cooperating teacher and spent the first day of school with the kids last week. I am hoping that the experience will be manageable. Tomorrow begins the all-day-every-day portion, so here's hoping I can make it through.

- My sister came to visit and my cousin got married!

(um, I think that E and I have our mother's chin, what do you think??)

- I started another quilt but only made three blocks. I appear to be stalled on all creative projects, I can't figure out what the heck to knit, either.

- we've been going to the pool in the afternoons, which has been just lovely. Becky and I have the same swimsuit coverup but hers looks cuter.

- I got a haircut, finally. Always makes me feel better.

- I read the Twilight books and was totally sucked in, so I guess I would recommend them. But then when you were done with the experience of reading them we might need to talk about the feminist implications. I'm just saying.

- The next ultrasound is scheduled for two weeks from today. Of course I worry that something will go horribly wrong between now and then, but if we get to that point, we can find out the sex of the baby. We are planning to find out, but I am not sure if we'll tell anyone else. Last time we didn't know, and we both agree that this time we want to know.

- I am at sixteen weeks and wearing about 1/2 maternity clothes and 1/2 not. I think I've felt some movement but not enough to make me know that things are okay. I still spend plenty of time being freaked out with worry, but it is getting better. Having places to be and things to do is a good thing.

Meme Time

2008-08-20T01:41:00.003-04:00

Wow, I am really scraping here. A meme! I think it's my first! Claire did this today, and I also saw it on And She Knits Too, so you know it's sweeping the internets.

The Omnivore's Hundred is a list of foods the gastronomic Andrew Wheeler thinks everyone should try at least once in their lives.

The rules of the meme:
Bold those you have tried.
Strikethrough those you wouldn't eat on a bet.
Italicize any item you'll never eat again.
Asterisk any items you'd be interested in trying but have not yet.

You know, I think of myself as a picky eater, but there is plenty on this list that I like and would try again, and the list of things that I "should" try isn't at all overwhelming. I think my priority is the tasting menu, I'll get right on that...

1. Venison
2. Nettle tea
3. Huevos rancheros
4. Steak tartare
5. Crocodile
6. Black pudding
7. Cheese fondue
8. Carp
9. Borscht*
10. Baba ghanoush
11. Calamari
12. Pho*
13. PB&J sandwich
14. Aloo gobi*
15. Hot dog from a street cart
16. Epoisses
17. Black truffle
18. Fruit wine made from something other than grapes
19. Steamed pork buns
20. Pistachio ice cream
21. Heirloom tomatoes
22. Fresh wild berries
23. Foie gras
24. Rice and beans
25. Brawn, or head cheese
~~26. Raw Scotch Bonnet pepper~~
27. Dulce de leche
28. Oysters
29. Baklava
30. Bagna cauda
31. Wasabi peas
32. Clam chowder in a sourdough bowl
33. Salted lassi
34. Sauerkraut
35. Root beer float
36. Cognac with a fat cigar
37. Clotted cream tea
38. Vodka jelly*
39. Gumbo
40. Oxtail
41. Curried goat
~~42. Whole insects~~
43. Phaal
44. Goat's milk
45. Malt whisky from a bottle worth
46. Fugu
47. Chicken tikka masala
48. Eel
49. Krispy Kreme original glazed doughnut
50. Sea urchin
51. Prickly pear
52. Umeboshi
53. Abalone
54. Paneer
55. McDonald's Big Mac Meal
56. Spaetzle
~~57. Dirty gin martini~~
58. Beer above 8% ABV
59. Poutine*
60. Carob chips
61. S'mores
62. Sweetbreads
63. Kaolin
64. Currywurst
65. Durian*
66. Frogs' legs
67. Beignets, churros, elephant ears or funnel cake
68. Haggis
69. Fried plantain
70. Chitterlings, or andouillette
71. Gazpacho
72. Caviar and blini
73. Louche absinthe
74. Gjetost, or brunost
75. Roadkill
76. Baijiu
77. Hostess Fruit Pie
78. Snail
79. Lapsang souchong
80. Bellini
81. Tom yum
82. Eggs Benedict
83. Pocky
84. Tasting menu at a three-Michelin-star restaurant*
85. Kobe beef
86. Hare
87. Goulash
88. Flowers
~~89. Horse~~
90. Criollo chocolate
91. Spam
92. Soft shell crab
93. Rose harissa
94. Catfish
95. Mole poblano
96. Bagel and lox
97. Lobster Thermidor*
98. Polenta
99. Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee
100. Snake

Further Developments

2008-08-13T09:51:00.004-04:00

Sorry that I've not been updating el blog of late. There have actually been some developments that may be of interest.

I had an ultrasound last week, when I was 12 weeks 4 days, and they said everything looked great. Perfect. I had to ask "and the heartbeat?" even, because I couldn't hear it and I needed that specific reassurance - yes, still alive. Whenever I get good news I mentally add the "for now" at the end. Things look perfect, for now. I am still pregnant, for now.

I have scans from the ultrasound but they look weird in iPhoto and I am not sure how to make it better, so I can't share. But we appear to be beyond the bean stage now. I thought that once I made it to 12 weeks my anxiety would be better, and it sort of is, but I'm not done with it. My next ultrasound appointment is more than a month away, my next OB appointment is more than a week, and although I feel the constant need for reassurance, I know that I won't quite get it. So I try not to go crazy but there's a low-level fear with me most of the time. Now I'm hoping that if I make it to 16 weeks I will calm down. That's Labor Day.

Also, I turned in my paper (5 minutes before the deadline) and so am done with school for the summer. The paper I feel kinda meh about, but the quilt I made I'm pretty happy with - I stretched my abilities and I think it doesn't suck!

For the back, I made a lightbulb. That required curves, which was not easy and involved many pins.

Don't look closely as there are wrinkles and such.

For the front, I just sliced up some fabric and cobbled together the tree shape and trunk, and then did some vague APPLIQUE-ish thing to get them to be attached to the sky/ground backing I made. I even looked up how to do satin stitch on my machine for this! So fancy.

It's all symbolic and shit.

Teacher School

2008-07-29T22:38:00.000-04:00

Okay, so this is theoretically the last week of summer school. Friday is the last class. I was meant to turn in a completed rough draft yesterday. I turned in an incomplete rough draft, and when it was handed back today I got a lovely comment in front of the class about procrastination. Uh, thanks. I know I suck! I know the professor really likes me a lot, and she said that because she knows that I know that she likes me, but really. I had gotten a ticket on the way to class that day, so it was kind of the icing on my crap cake for the afternoon.

What is it about us Smith girls and procrastination? In fact, here I am writing a blog post instead of working on said paper. PEOPLE! WTF!? My professor told us weeks ago that the absolute deadline for this thing is next Wednesday. So why on EARTH would I have it done in time to turn in on Friday? So that I can enjoy my weekend in Bryan, America with a clear conscience? Um, I think not.

As part of this class we also have to do an art-based interpretation of our research. My art is going to be a quilt. Wanna guess how far I've gotten on the quilt?

That's right - I've bought some fabric, I've washed the fabric. I've cut out a template. THAT'S IT. Now this, this really is due on Friday. This really must get done in the next 48 hours.

So naturally, on Sunday afternoon, when I should have been working on either the quilt that is due on Friday, or the draft that was due the next day, I put this together:

Genius.

p.s. on the pregnancy front, I have started on the belly portion and actually exhibited some symptoms! today is 11weeks and 4 days, and I have the next ultrasound on Monday. Lanell loaned me a doppler with which to try to hear the heartbeat, but I am so twisted around in my anxiety that I am worried that using it will somehow make me MORE anxious. I guess that's something to discuss with the therapist tomorrow morning?

Makin Pies

2008-07-28T00:21:00.004-04:00

K has been in a pie-baking mood lately, and I am not gonna stop him. So far we've had a peach-blueberry, a fresh cherry-lime, and this weekend brought a plain peach pie. That shit is GOOD, y'all. Yet another reason to be glad that I married that man.

He makes his own pie crust. With LARD.

Anyway, I was thinking about posting about the pies, but what else is there to add about pies, right? They're pretty, taste good, Barack likes them, yay pie.

Then I remembered the Patty Griffin song Making Pies. Of course - it's a Patty Griffin song, so it's pretty brutal. Beautiful but like her best songs I think it gives an emotional gut punch.

Not too long ago I had a conversation about that song - my coworker (at the part-time gig which is now done) had it playing as she was working one day, and I said in passing "Wow, I love Patty Griffin but I could not work with that on. That song is a killer" and she was perplexed. Said it had never occurred to her that it was a sad song. A few days later she came in and said "you were so right about that pie song! I listened to the lyrics last night and they are so sad!"

Mmm-hmm. Patty Griffin also sings my old steady I'm-sad-and-want-to-cry song, Goodbye.

Patty Griffin, sad songs, it's like homemade pie and Blue Bell homemade vanilla. Two great tastes that taste great together.

1994

2008-07-27T00:25:00.000-04:00

The Wackness. We saw it last night and I keep thinking about it today, which I think is a sign of a good movie. I loved it, and I don't know if it is because I am simply nostalgic about 1994, or if it is because I loved the music (of course I loved the music), or what.

Like Luke, I graduated from high school in 1994, and I think was somewhere between being the most popular loser or the least popular popular kid. I don't remember much about that summer, I think it was full of babysitting and anticipation - I was very ready to leave for college. That was the summer that I went to Alaska with my dad, and of course there was freshman orientation, probably a family beach trip, the girls weekend at the ranch where we played Liz Phair. I think I went to a lot of parties with friends who were doing summer theatre productions, and now that I think about it there was some making out with a certain older boy for that last month before I left. I think the possibilities of the summer were bigger because I knew I was leaving soon - I could wreak a little havoc and escape consequences. I wanted to be "ready" for the real fun of college, because I knew that some bets would be off once I got to Austin.

Laura and I were talking the other day about how spotty our memories are, how there are certain things that are crystal-clear, but so many fuzzy spots. I know that only increases with age, as new events crowd out the pile of old ones. So it's nice to find something that evokes that feeling, if not specific well-lit moments, of being a young person with an open road ahead. Because these days my sense of possibility can often feel more like a sense of impending doom. There was no doom that summer of 1994, and I can remember how good it felt.

Buy Local

2008-07-21T22:52:00.000-04:00

So I've been feeling quilty of late, and feeling like I should make something for an impending niece/nephew. So when I saw a layer cake on sale at the Fat Quarter Shop, I actually bought it, along with enough yardage for a back and binding. I felt kind of badly about buying online instead of supporting the lovely store down the street, but then I realized - Fat Quarter IS local! How grand. I immediately picked it apart and put it all out on the floor.

Whatta deal. There was a load of fabric in that thing. I don't have a lot of time before the baby is supposed to be here, so I decided to just use the squares whole. I spent a nice chunk of time choosing the squares I thought would work well together, then arranging them on the floor in the pattern I thought was best. I came up with this:

and then promptly realized that I needed to wash and dry the fabric before I started sewing. Duh. So, they got popped into the laundry and are now a wrinkled, stringy pile awaiting pressing and cutting. I guess I got a leetle bit ahead of myself, eh?

Thank you for all of the positive pregnancy wishes. I continue to live in terror and find it hard to believe that things could turn out well. I knew that getting pregnant was not the ultimate goal, that it was merely the first step. But the destination seems painfully far away, with endless possibilities for disaster. I am trying to keep my wits about me, but finding it challenging. I had an appointment with the nurse at my OB's office on Thursday, and she was not able to find the heartbeat. That's not all that unusual at 10 weeks, but of course it kind of freaked me out. Then today I went in to see the doctor (my new hobby is going to medical appointments, yay) and I saw the nurse again. She tried again with the doppler and this time was successful! So I heard the heartbeat, such a relief. My next appointment is two weeks away, for an ultrasound. Deep breaths.

How I Bean

2008-07-16T09:33:00.001-04:00

We went to the ultrasound appointment this morning assuming that we would have confirmation that I had miscarried, that the embryo was not viable. I had a positive pregnancy test about 10 days ago but have continued to have spotting since then. My doctor had me go in on Thursday to get my hcg level, and back on Saturday to have it checked again. Hcg should double every 48 hours in the first 8 weeks. Monday morning I got the results - my levels were about the same, very slightly down. That wasn't good news, probably meant that I was losing the pregnancy, but I already had the ultrasound scheduled for Tuesday. Rather than have another blood draw, the nurse suggested I go to the appointment as that would give me more information anyway.

On the way to the appointment, K and I discussed what would probably happen. What questions we might need to ask. We wondered if I would need to have a D&C scheduled.

When the nurse entered, we explained the situation and she put the ultrasound on my abdomen. As soon as I saw the picture I was confused. That was way bigger than what we were looking for, something that would have ended at 6 weeks or less. Did I have fibroids? Was she looking at my ovary? Then she turned on the microphone and I heard the heartbeat - a strong, steady heartbeat.

I'm not sure quite what happened after that other than tears, shock, more tears, asking how? what does this mean?

The nurse was very positive - the bean was measured at 9 weeks 4 days, which means that I got pregnant in May. I've had plenty of spotting, some of which I thought was my period in early June, but she said that was not unusual, and not to be too worried. They checked the hcg level thing and it is normal enough for it to level off after 8 weeks, it isn't cause for concern she said.

I am shocked, shocked. I have been charting my temperature and other assorted details. I have been using an ovulation predictor that said I ovulated on June 10! I had negative pregnancy tests at the end of May. Perhaps it is a little gift - one month of being pregnant without the associated terror and paranoia that at any moment it could all be over.

So, due date is February 13. If all goes as I fervently hope that it will, we might bring a baby home in January. I'm still not sure I believe it could happen that way.

Dip Dee Dip

2008-07-04T09:44:00.005-04:00

Because I am a white person, I recently read this article in the New York Times about the 11 Best Foods You Aren't Eating. And I'll confess - they are right. I'm not eating a lot of tumeric or sardines these days. However, I did have one moment of feeling not-so-bad about myself. I love pumpkin seeds!

Specifically, I love pumpkin seed DIP.

I discovered this several years ago, when I got Diana Kennedy's The Essential Cuisines of Mexico for Christmas one year and threw a Mexican Food dinner party at our apartment. As I recall, the menu was:

Sikil P'ak (Pumpkin Seed Dip)
Tacos De Hongos (Mushroom Tacos)
Sopa De Tortilla
Arroz al la Mexicana (Mexican Rice)
Frijoles Refritos (Refried Beans)
and I think Enchiladas Verdes of my own recipe.

A lot of the stuff from this book is a pain in the ass, and I'm not often willing to go to the trouble. Somehow, though - I LOVE the pumpkin seed dip and have made it over and over again. Naturally, that means that I have adapted the recipe enough to share it with the internets! Here's my version -

Pumpkin Seed Dip

1 lb garden fresh tomatoes, broiled (this also works well with the grape tomatoes you can get at the store, although I use less than a pound in that case)
1 fresh habanero or other hot chile
1 cup hulled raw pumpkin seeds
1/4 cup unhulled pumpkin seeds
2 T finely chopped chives

Heat a heavy iron skillet, and toast the seeds slowly, until they are browned. Set aside to cool.

Toast the chile turning it until it is blistered and black in spots.

(imagine a picture of this here)

Using your coffee grinder, grind the toasted seeds to a coarse powder. Transfer to a small serving bowl (this is the pain in the ass part)

In a blender, blend the tomatoes with 1/4 c water into a puree.

Stir this into the pumpkin seed powder, then incorporate the chives. Add the chile to the mix and stir (if you want it plenty spicy, cut the chile in half before adding it to the dip)

I think this is great on tortilla chips, and good tortillas. It's one of the 11 foods you aren't eating, so get started!

Pillow Talk

2008-06-29T23:34:00.004-04:00

So, part of the reason I wanted to buy fabric while in New York (other than just homage to the Purl gods) was that I've been wanting to make cool patchwork pillows for quite some time. Since I first saw Lisa Congdon's work, actually.

So I started my first one of these before Christmas. My mother had brought me most of her fabric stash in the build up to cleaning out her house, so I used a bunch of upholstery leftovers for my first attempt. This is a floor pillow - I did a log cabin piecing for the front, and then quilted it very simply.

For the back I just pieced it together, sort of string-quilt style, two overlapping pieces bound with bias tape.

I don't know why it took me so long to finally put it together and stick it on this pillow, but I'm pretty happy with the result. However, all of the fabric is stuff that my mother chose over the years and it's not quite my style. So I guess I need to spend some time thrifting for fabrics?

White Trash Strawberry Shortcake

2008-06-27T00:36:00.003-04:00

The other night for backyard movie night, I made strawberry shortcake for dessert. I call this my white trash recipe because it involves canned biscuits. Normally I am morally opposed to using canned biscuits, but this is really good and very easy (which I know is the point of most convenience foods, duh) and somehow I find it comforting. I think this was adapted from a Southern Living recipe my mom used to make.

1lb of fresh, yummy strawberries (or other fresh berries)
FYI: you should always buy organic berries if possible, as they are delicate and tend to have the greatest levels of contamination. I didn't this time as I bought 4 lbs at Costco but I figure it goes with the canned biscuits)
1 c plus 1 T sugar
1 T chiffonade of basil or mint
1 stick butter
8oz heavy whipping cream
1 can Pillsbury Grands biscuits (I like the reduced fat wheat)

Here's what you do. You slice up the berries, toss them with the 1 T of sugar and the basil, and put them in a container in the fridge for 2+ hours.

To prepare the biscuits, melt the butter and put the remaining sugar in a shallow dish. Dip each biscuit in butter, then roll in the sugar, and put on the baking sheet. Bake according to directions - you should have a lot of butter and sugar left over, so maybe don't use as much as I say. I just like to have plenty to work with.

While the biscuits are baking, whip the cream (add sugar or vanilla if you like, to taste).

When the biscuits are browned, let them cool for 5-10 minutes before preparing the dish.

To prepare, take your biscuit, spoon whipped cream on top, and then berries on top of that (or however you like it, I know some people like the cream on top but I'm not one of them). This is freaking delicious and great payoff for not enormous effort. I am currently loving the strawbery-basil combination, but you can do mint, or vanilla, or whatever catches your fancy.

Goonies Never Die

2008-06-25T00:04:00.002-04:00

On Saturday someone had the bright idea of showing a movie in their backyard.

It was these people (I don't think the cat had anything to do with it) the bright sandal couple! Carolee said that someone called them the bright sandal couple, and Topher was all "wha? why?" but I had a guess why someone would call them that...

John provided the set-up, he's trying to become his own rolling roadshow in friends' backyards. So far so good.

I made my white trash strawberry shortcake for the dessert, recipe to follow.

We watched Goonies, which is so good. But since I went inside at one point to prepare the dessert, I think I can say that I still haven't seen the movie all the way through.

Ah Yes

2008-06-23T16:00:00.001-04:00

Have you experienced Garfield Minus Garfield? I know it is old news, but I'm still happy to see the updates in my Google Reader.

Enn Why See

2008-06-22T18:34:00.005-04:00

So, I didn't just go to Kelly's wedding while I was in New York City.

Sure, my sister gave the rundown - there was the Cloisters, some theater (which reminds me that I have been meaning to buy the iTunes showtunes from Passing Strange), and tasty, tasty sushi (I try to do thing like eat a big pile of raw tuna to remind me that not being pregnant isn't the giant pile of suckiness that I usually feel it is. Wine helps with that too). That was a lovely day, Friday. Beautiful weather, we had a picnic, we enjoyed ourselves.

Then came Saturday. It was hot on Saturday. Like, 95 degrees. In NYC, that is freaking boiling. I was wearing jeans, which is a stupid thing to do on a boiling-hot day in New York. But my sister is a sport, and when I made plans to visit her in NYC she asked what I wanted to do. So we did those things on Saturday.

Those things included just two stops -

1) the Purl stores, in SoHo. I've been knitting and now quilting for a while now, and the Purl empire is kindof a center for the stuff I like. No photos from me (although just check out Flickr if you want an idea) but it was good fun. The yarn store, I didn't get anything - I'm kindof on a wane right now with the knitting. The patchwork store, though. I got some stuff to make pillows for our new couches. 6 different 1/2 yard cuts, so 3 yards total. I'm kindof excited about them, I think it will be good. This photo shows them on the couch, with one of the pillows they are meant to replace. I think these fabrics will both casual-ize and modern-ize the look of the couches. Poor Emily was a little put off my the fabric store process - the pulling everything off of the shelf, etc. But she got with it and I am happy with my choices!

2) Trader Joe's. Life in Austin would be pretty near perfect if we had Trader Joe's, I am convinced. If you ever want to get me a little treat on your travels, I love these dark chocolate-covered edamame beans from TJ's. Apparently they no longer have the garlic pistachios that I used to love, and they also no longer make the yin-yang peanuts that were a big fave for a while. That's okay. They have these, and they have the chocolate-covered peanut butter-filled pretzels. MMMmm.

It might be a sad commentary or something that my list of things I really wanted to do in New York were visit a quilting store and Trader Joe's, but let's not go there.

Week's End

2008-06-21T17:32:00.003-04:00

I know that everybody's working for the weekend, but I'm not working too much lately.

Well, I did do some baby-wrangling this week for Hugh. We had a pretty good time together - although he is in the army-crawling stage and moves quickly across the floor to grab at the potted plants.

Other than that I was primarily in recovery. Somehow the New York, family beach trip, moving out of my childhood home sequence of events really put me in a delicate emotional place. Too many endings and not enough beginnings, I guess.

Looking through my photos I realize that I don't like to take pictures of people. I usually rely on others to do that for me. I remember comparing photos with my father when we got back from our Alaskan fishing trip. Every one of his pictures centered on a smiling face, usually above a large, dead fish. All of mine were landscapes, flowers, rocks. I haven't really changed much - I like the lomo-esque no-flash pictures (also easier to take with my not-so-great camera) and find that I lose a lot of people details. But I like this one of my mom, right before we left Wayside. Things keep moving but I still feel stuck.

Partners

2008-06-18T22:46:00.004-04:00

Aw, Girl Kelly got married and I was there. It was in Prospect Park, in Brooklyn. At the Boathouse. And it was lovely. I will admit, I went a little grudgingly. The money isn't exactly flowing freely at our house, and it was at a less-than-ideal time, and bitch bitch bitch sweaty New York in summer.

But I'm so glad I was there. K and I were debate partners in high school - the power couple, in our shoulder-padded blazers and pleated skirts. Somewhere there is a picture of us looking fierce and debate-y. Since then our lives have intersected with increasing rarity. When I look at where we are today it's a wonder that we started from the same place. She's an artist, passionate, focused. Her life is completely of a world that I barely know how to visit. But that isn't the point of a wedding, to have everyone in your current world smiling at you. It's also nice to have people from other corners of your life there, affirming your significance in their life and their significance in yours.

If only I could have remembered the words to any one of the random songs that we used to sing together, in wonderful harmony. Biophilia (composed at a debate tournament when our opponents failed to show), or any of the Girls State oeuvre. I think we mastered some Indigo Girls songs, too. Aw, Kelly. Those were good times, and I'm happy I could be there for another one!

Home Sweet

2008-06-17T09:50:00.002-04:00

I'm finally back in Austin, FINALLY. I left 10 days ago, but it feels like longer - three nights in New York, six nights at the beach in Alabama, and then two nights in Bryan for the final throes of of my mother's move. It's done, and I am tired. I didn't take many photos but I'll put something together soon.

The good news is, K picked SEVEN POUNDS of tomatoes when he got home on Saturday. So there are some tasty sandwiches in my immediate future.

Status Update

2008-06-07T12:00:00.000-04:00

The other day, I went to lunch with Laura and we were talking about the whole process of my mother's life change. And I said, "Well, it's not that bad. We've known it was coming, we had been doing stuff to get ready for a while. It's not like she dropped dead and I had to go clean everything out."

And you know, I think she was a little shocked by that. Like, why would I go there? And I was a little surprised that she was a little shocked, because that is how my mind works. Worst case scenario. I don't even know I'm doing it. That's where I live now. And most of the time, the worst case scenario hasn't happened, it isn't going to happen, and my thoughts have nothing to do with whether it happens or not. But the worst case scenario is right there with me at all times, now.

Also, not pregnant. Just in case you were wondering.

Letters and Sodas

2008-06-05T12:00:00.000-04:00

So apparently it is the 15th anniversary of Liz Phair's seminal (heh) album, Exile in Guyville. And I'm not the only one who was obsessed with that album?

15 years ago it was the summer before my senior year in high school. I remember listening to Exile mostly the following summer, and as a freshman at UT. I am sure I heard it earlier, but it really started to resonate a year later. In fact I have a specific memory of a girl's weekend at the ranch, where Liz Phair was played pretty much non-stop, just a week or two before we started college.

The album, of course, is not about girlfriends. Maybe we listened to it together, but we all had our own take on the lyrics, I am sure. What's funny to me now is that general consensus is that I was the slut of our group. Thinking about Exile in Guyville with that insight (I certainly didn't realize it at the time) I gotta say - if I was going to be thought of as the slut, I certainly would've done more whoring around, living up to those songs I loved.

Gift

2008-06-03T22:30:00.005-04:00

Hott shoes, right? Salvaged from my mom's closet. This duck decoy was one of many that my father accumulated over the years. There were three like this one, mounted on boxes. My mother said to pick one - she would give one to me, one to my sister, and one to my father's friend. I chose this one and then opened the box.

There was a stack of stuff, including several letters and a passport. I read the card that I could tell was to my father from his mother, but my mom confiscated the other letters before I could read them. Hmph.

The card is perfect, and captures their relationship quite well I thought.

Pat, this is a sort of foolish gift, but to me it is symbolic of our relationship. Only God knows where this old decoy, this rare old spent shell, and this old wood have been - just like us - not many questions asked, but together they make a good combination, and the patina they have acquired makes them more beautiful today than ever. So may it ever be -
Love,
Mother

My grandmother died just about six months after my father. She spent those months wondering why she lost him, saying that she was old and she should have gone instead of him. In many ways I believe that she willed herself to die after he was gone, she was a philosophical person but not that philosophical. We were so much in the thick of our grief for my father that when we lost her it was all a blur. I remember crying at her funeral, but I think it was for him. It is only in recent years that I have begun to really miss her. This card captures what I miss - the total acceptance and appreciation of what someone is, rather than what someone should be. I wish the same could be said of me, but I know better.

Impending Room

2008-06-02T00:27:00.005-04:00

So Thursday my mother sent someone to my house with two new-to-me couches. They are fairly mom-ish, but in a good way. And unlike our old couches, they a) match, and b) don't smell like dog. So, yay! New couches! I am looking forward to fully breaking them in with some Netflix tonight.

Here's the old couch - we literally kicked it to the curb.

The nice young man who brought them here ferried me back to Bryan, America so that I could help my moms finish packing up her house. Both of you who have been reading since I started this blog will recall that I fucking hate moving. In my list of least favorite activities, packing and unpacking are pretty near the top. I find them less pleasant than getting a filling. The dentist visit only lasts an hour, after all - but after a long day of moving labor, I feel like I've been beaten with a tire iron.

That said, there is something mildly gratifying about packing, in the cheap sense of accomplishment that it gives. A stack of carefully packed, taped, and labeled boxes is something that you can look at and know you've done, and as I don't have much of that in my life these days I'll take it. Of course, if you look at said stack and then think about all of the OTHER things that need to be carefully packed, taped, labeled, stacked, moved, unpacked and put away, it doesn't feel so great, but let's not go there.

Anyway, E wanted to see pictures of the house all packed up. This is the best I could do, as the house is not yet all packed up. It's kind of shocking to see it all in such disarray. Right now there are about 75 boxes (she used a lot of BIG ones) and I would guess that there are 10 or less to go.

My mother, God bless her pointed head, is moving into a one-room garage apartment while she waits for her new house to be built. I actually agree with her that this is a good idea for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is that it should provide us all with endless entertainment as she and her 60-pound dog share about 300 square feet. Also, I approve because it is technically still bigger than MY sad little DC compartment, so I still keep the hardship award (though E's walkup miles probably beat us both by now). I wish I could find a picture but I don't think I have any digital records of my tiny DC apartment.

This week is a busy one - I'm working Monday and Wednesday, and leave Thursday morning for a quick trip to NYC and then a longer trip to Orange Beach. Yes, that's right - BEACH. Which is the most welcome word I can think of right now. BEACH TRIP. I like the sound of it.

More Like Party-o

2008-05-27T23:17:00.004-04:00

So we FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY got a new hang-out spot installed. This project has been in the works for about a year. We even convinced our families to give us nothing but Lowe's gift cards for Christmas and birthdays, in the hopes of supplying us with all we needed to replace our back deck. Sadly, the pathetic little rotting deck that existed when we moved in had been in a half-demolished state since March, with no progress on replacing it. (see the sad patheticness?)

There is a long involved story about why we couldn't replace it with another deck, but I'll spare you the details (since I really don't know what they are) and cut to the part where we decided to use those Lowe's gift cards to purchase concrete pavers and assorted sand and gravel. They were delivered two Sundays ago by a guy with a large truck and a forklift. The giftcards paid for EVERY LAST CENT of the Lowe's bill - thanks y'all! We love you too!

We ripped out the remaining deck to celebrate.

Then on that Monday, our new friend Santiago came with his buddies to install the patio. I didn't take a picture of Santiago installing it, as I felt kind of weird about it and to be honest they WORKED SO FAST that by the time I thought about it they were pretty much done anyway. But they did a good job. Thanks to our irresponsible government for our stimulus check! I feel much better giving that money to Santiago than to Costco. Costco ain't got no babies to feed.

After much discussion, testing of various options with sample pavers and bricks and graph paper and sketch-up, we settled on the simplest option for the patio, 24in pavers set at an angle. This is the same pattern we have with the floor tile in our kitchen - I like it.

And here it is all sexed up with the butterfly chairs from my mama's house, and the party lights from Hoke's birthday two years ago.

Now we just have to find an excuse for a party so that we can really try it out. Perhaps a going-away party for this guy? That would be toadally awesome.

My Semi-Famous Cookies

2008-05-25T16:14:00.005-04:00

I am a salty-sweet enthusiast. When I find a new food that incorporates saltiness with sweetitude, I can get downright gushy about it. In days of yore, this affinity was mostly indulged when I was already indulging, if you know what I mean and if you smoke pot you do.

But now, I find that the salty-sweet combination is just as tasty any old time. Such as a Sunday cookout on Memorial Day Weekend. We were invited to join one of K's coworkers for a traditional holiday barbeque this afternoon, so I spent the morning baking cookies.

I first tasted the salted oat cookies at Teaism years ago, but I don't think it occurred to me that I could make them at home until we got a bad-ass mixer from my mother-in-law as a Christmas present. I adapted an Alton Brown recipe from his most excellent I'm Just Here for More Food. (also a gift from K's mom).

Here's the ingredients:

4 sticks butter, softened (I inevitably do this in the microwave because I am impatient)
2 c brown sugar
1/2 c sugar
2 eggs
2 t vanilla extract
3 c flour
2 t baking powder
2 t cinnamon
5 c rolled oats

- combine dry ingredients (except oats)
- in a small bowl beat eggs together along with vanilla
- using a stand mixer, with the paddle attachment on medium speed, mix the butter alone for a minute to spread around the bowl
- add sugars slowly and beat until mixture lightens noticeably in texture and increases in volume
- reduce the speed to stir and add eggs slowly, scraping down the sides of the bowl as necessary.

- work in the flour mixture in installments.
- scrape sides again (this is where I sample the cookie dough, just to make sure it's tasting right. that might take a few samples, I'm just sayin)
- stir in the oats in installments, scraping bowl as necessary.

- bake on parchment/silpat in 375 oven for 14 minutes.

AND NOW FOR THE IMPORTANT PART:
- pull the cookie sheet out of the oven, and quickly sprinkle the tops of the cookies with kosher or sea salt.
- return them to the oven for 2 minutes to finish browning.
- let cool on a rack
- stand back and enjoy

So Many Boxes

2008-05-24T17:39:00.002-04:00

The last two days were spent in my hometown, helping my mother begin the process of moving. June 1 will mark 32 years since my parents bought that house - less than four months after I was born, we all moved in. Now she's moving on - with our encouragement, and some excitement, but some sadness too. We started sorting belongings, cleaning out, giving things away and choosing what to keep many months ago when she decided to put our house - her house, technically - on the market. But now the real work begins.

32 years is a long time to go without packing everything and moving. All sorts of treasures and triggers lurk in the corners of the house. Photos, photos, photos - three or four boxes of albums, unsorted pictures, scrapbooks. It was a mixture of oppressive and comforting, all of the history being unearthed. Trying to decide where things might go in the (yet-to-be-built) new house, what she will bring with her to the temporary digs as we wait for her house to be constructed. What can go away.

I know it's hard for my sister to be in New York while all of the decisions are being made. It's hard for me and my mom to be here doing it. I think that all of this angst will be worth it in the end, it is a new beginning after all. Those are usually good. And the new house promises to be awesome. But my father's memory is big and strong and I guess some bit of it will probably be lost with all of this stuff. But the fact is that his life after death is guaranteed not by the poker chips and hunting paraphernalia, but by us. We remember him whether we are prompted by an elk bugle thingie (don't worry, E, we kept it), by my habit of leaving dirty clothes on the floor, or my interior soundtrack of "Here she comes, Miss Elaneous." You cain't put that in a box and move it.

1000

2008-05-18T23:21:00.004-04:00

This weekend my good pal Karo came to visit from Dallas. She's good times, y'all - easy to be around, and a perfect houseguest.

She brought a pal with her to visit us - her new D300. Whoa! That is one mother of a camera, I tell you what. This morning we went on a bit of a photo safari, and I am looking forward to seeing what she was able to get from South Congress with that thing.

She did get this shot in our backyard on Saturday. I tell you what, I look kind of like a 70's teen heartthrob with the haircut here, but unlike most photos, this one a) looks like me, and b) isn't heinous. So I stole it from her flickr page so that I could post it here. Ha! Suck on that copyright protection, K!

The Power of Positive Thinking

2008-05-15T23:21:00.002-04:00

So, I have started the process of looking for a job. I am still planning on being a teacher, but I got permission to skip the step of student teaching. This only works if I can get hired as a teacher WITHOUT student teaching, which is kind of difficult to do. And I am having a hard time having the Positive Mental Attitude I need to succeed with the job search.

The Positive Mental Attitude, it has escaped me for a while. I mean, I've obviously (and rightfully, goddammit) been depressed over the past year. But I've managed to keep functioning. I think I've done fairly well, to be honest. I'm in the midst of this enormous life crisis - and I'm back in school, changing careers. I've managed enough energy to get through things, keep going, do what I have to do. But pushing past just getting through to thinking positively? It's not coming to me.

On the fertility front, I'm doing only acupuncture now. Making that decision was hard, and there was so much confusion. It's hard to know anymore how to decide these sorts of things. I don't necessarily trust the opinions of professionals anymore, but I also don't trust my body or my own judgment. How can I ? I barely know who I am anymore. When the decision had to be made, and I didn't know what to do, I tried to imagine what the old me would have done, and I did that.

And so far it seems to be going well - according to my handy-dandy pee-on-a-stick machine (thanks Em!) I ovulated on day 13 of my cycle this month. For those of you keeping track, that is about ten days earlier than I've ovulated in the last year. That seems like a good thing - the goal of Clomid was for me to ovulate on day 13. But my acupuncturist doesn't want me to get pregnant yet. That's a big but, and not one that I knew about when I committed to this path. It's a major adjustment and to be honest, I haven't really made the adjustment. So far though, I feel like the process is working. So I want to trust the process, but it's hard to think positively about it. I want to trust a lot of things, actually, but it's hard.

Diet Craze

2008-05-13T23:18:00.003-04:00

Have I told you about my radical new weight-loss plan? It is revolutionary, and I know that eventually when I write it all down (it is very complicated) and put it in a book, launch the website, and go on Oprah, it is going to SWEEP THE NATION. So far I've lost about 15 pounds in about 6 months. WATCH OUT! THE FAT IS MELTING OFF OF ME! (I dropped out of good old WW about a month after I started).

Yes, friends. This is the new French Women Don't Get Fat. I can feel it now! A whole entire book's worth (and hopefully a whole entire fortune's worth) of little tips and tricks to help you - yes you - get down to that lean, mean fighting weight that you have been dreaming of.

I think I could totally be the next Susan Powter. Click that link - amazingly, Susan Powter is still going. STOP THE INSANITY, indeed.

So if I am to have the Powter-level success that I am aiming for, I obvs need some sort of catchy way to boil down the (numerous, complicated, medically-based) ideas that I will put forth in my book. The revolutionary diet idea has to have a simple, somewhat catchy title. Preferably one that lends itself to a snazzy cover a la Skinny Bitch.

What do you think of...

Stop Eating So Goddamned Much
And Exercise Every Once In A While!

April Showers Bring May Garden Pictures

2008-05-08T23:39:00.003-04:00

The garden is starting to produce the summer bounty. We've already enjoyed a few of the sunburst squash. These are really perfect for grilling, so sweet and tender but they hold up pretty well.

Most exciting, of course, are the tomatoes. They are coming! I am sure these are some crazy heirloom variety but I couldn't tell you which one. That's what ye olde garden blogge is for.

This kind of looks...um, well. It kind of looks gross I guess. It's half of the pork belly that came out of the cure this week. It got rolled, trussed, and fussed.

And it is now hanging in our hall closet. That's right. Next to the sheets and such (Karo, I hope you like a nice eau de porcine on your pillow case). Rumor has it that it will remain there for at least two weeks. Somehow this will render it pancetta. I'll let you know how that goes.

Take Home

2008-05-08T02:00:00.003-04:00

So Monday at 4:50pm I turned in my last assignment of the semester, a take-home final for my Early Childhood Education class. It was due at 5:00pm that day.

Y'all, sad but true - 10 minutes before the deadline counts as early for me.

On Tuesday I went in for the acupuncture treatment, and she asked about my stress level. I says to her, I says "much better" and I meant it, I really did. Had you asked, I am not sure I would have told you that I was all that stressed out about school. But really, something hanging over your head stresses you out whether you spend all of your time staring at it or if you mostly pretend that it's not there. Either way you know it's there, and when it is gone the relief is palpable.

SO! Now I'm out of school, what am I going to do, you ask? Well, I've already gotten new tires on el Subaru (cheapest available). And I've been trying to get stuff in order for the possibilities of the fall semester. I have plans for an NYC trip and a beach trip in June that need finessing. And then there's the job thing I've still got going on, and the garden.

Getting pregnant? What's that all about? Oh, I'm sure it is the furthest thing from my mind. OF COURSE.

Mawidge

2008-05-02T21:52:00.002-04:00

Mi hermana visited this weekend. It was good times - she was here for a wedding. To no one's surprise, it was a great time - good people, music, food, booze. There were mariachis! Dancing! I got my hair did and eyebrows waxed - yay grooming! Doesn't mi prima look super-hott?

All of this makes more sense if you know that I composed the post and then realized I couldn't use pictures from Emily's photostream.

So just look at the pretty pictures and imagine that I told you all about them...

Growth

2008-04-29T22:54:00.004-04:00

So, I went to the fertility doctor today and she gave me a prescription for Clomid. But I didn't get it filled. Because I think that instead I am going to try going to an acupuncturist for a couple of months. I am unsure about this course, but it is the best that I have come up with. I know that it puts a child that much further away from me, but I am doing it anyway.

I no longer have the courage of my convictions with any of this. I don't really like or trust anything in this whole process and that sucks. So I am going to do the thing that I think the old me would have done, because the new me? Has next to know idea what the hell to do.

Argh. Did I mention that this sucks? Why everything has to be so freaking difficult, I have got no idear. Perhaps I will start to read the Book of Job to get some perspective.

So! Photos! We need more of those here!

Addie needed a haircut so we took her to the groomer's.

The tomatoes were really small when we planted them, but now they are big and there are even some tee-niny tomatoes on there somewhere!

Most important, K got a pork belly for his birthday and he is making bacon again. And pancetta! Should be ready in time for that first ripe tomato.

Nerdfighter

2008-04-28T23:22:00.002-04:00

Okay, please excuse me but I have to fan out a little bit.

So, I'm a nerdfighter. Not all hard core or anything, not hanging out on message boards or recording videos of myself doing a happy dance. (Nice idea, but I think my happy dance days are far away. Maybe eventually, but lately not so much). But I've watched every single one of the Brotherhood 2.o videos, some more than once. I was sad when John and Hank's experiment ended, but glad they are continuing making videos. I read John's first book, Looking for Alaska. (It was good. I've been reading a lot of young adult fiction lately, have I mentioned? Also presidential biographies.)

So, there was this one thing last year where John put stuff on his head. And like everything web-community-based, it became this big inside joke. And there were lots of people putting stuff on their heads. So today, when I saw this picture of Wyclef with something on his head, I emailed John Green about it. Because I'm a nerd. Fighter.

So, you know. He hopes that all is well with me. Just thought he'd email to let me know, I guess.

Multi-Media

2008-04-24T22:59:00.007-04:00

Let's say that today isn't an auspicious day. It's The Anniversary. One year ago today, our son was stillborn. It was traumatic. I think that's the best word I can use. We have been traumatized.

And you know, that sucks. We've made it through the year but most days it still feels like we are living in limbo. Floating through until we get back on course. But things are better than they were. The anniversary sucks but the fact is, for me it isn't markedly different than any other day that I have to live with this experience. I am mystified that it has been a year - it simultaneously feels like much more and much less time has passed. And since there hasn't been a day that I didn't think about what happened, today wasn't much different than most days.

Last night, Anne delivered the sculpture. It is exactly what we hoped for. I mean, not that we ever hoped to find a way to memorialize our son and store his cremains, but given those constraints it is perfect.

As usual, plenty of sadness. But today served with your pathos, we have pandas.

Like Chuck

2008-04-14T22:10:00.001-04:00

I feel stuck. This isn't really news or anything, but that's the thing. I've been feeling stuck for months - my life is moving forward in the sense that time is passing and I am in school so I am working towards something. But none of that makes me feel like I've unstuck myself, because I am still stuck trying to get pregnant and failing.

Now, there has been movement. We met with the fertility specialist, I got an HSG and things look fine, I am going in to the fertility acupuncture people, I will most likely be going on Clomid next cycle. But the facts remain the same, and next week will mark one year since we lost our son. I don't feel any closer now to having a child home with me than I did coming home from the hospital, when I was planning the funeral. If anything I felt closer to it then than I do now.

Part of this is the feeling that life is moving for other people - I remember years ago talking to a friend who was struggling to get pregnant, and she told me that some of her friends were already having their second child, while she still waited for her first. I remember feeling so sorry for her and scared that it could happen to me. Now I feel so sorry for myself (which I know is not attractive, but whatever, I do.) I should console myself with the knowledge that she now has twins and likely not much time to think about how frustrated she used to feel. And it sucks, but when family and friends make the decision to have children, and then lo and behold they have children - I feel like I'm waist deep in quicksand. Here I am, I see the path and I see other people walking by, but I can't drag myself over there. I'm stuck. It just reminds me that there is something physically wrong with me, and a big gaping hole in my life. They are on a path and I feel like I am in a swamp.

But! Tomorrow I will attempt to teach third graders to make inferences, and I should go get ready for that. Nothing to do but get through it. I am sorry that this blog continues with the total depress-a-thon. I think that will change eventually, and everyone should know that what I put here is not what makes up my all-day-every-day. But I feel the need to put it somewhere - and this is what I've got. Hang with it and eventually I will post a picture of Addie and some squash plants or something, I'm sure.

Supaman

2008-04-03T23:35:00.004-04:00

There have been way too many posts here lately without images. So, here's a little something my cousin L sent me recently.

This is funny because L likes to teach us all the dances she does at The Club. I can only hope to do as well as this mama.

Tonight I had a really great evening of yoga and togetherness with Becky. Now, I have to confess. I have laughed heartily in the past at people who had epiphanies and revelations in yoga class. I have mocked, and I am not proud (but she was annoying with or without the supposed epiphany, ask anyone).

But tonight I had a great experience - the flow that is supposed to happen really happened.

I got into Warrior III without even knowing that I was doing it. That was cool. There are a couple of poses that when things are right, I achieve the fleeting sensation that keeps me coming back (however infrequently). Total focus. A quiet mind. I am aware of nothing beyond my body, the tip of the middle finger on my right hand is the sum total of my consciousness.

And I really did set my intention at the beginning of class, and it came to me in shavasana what that meant. Patience. Patience was my intention. And I think that I know what that means for me now. Which is good because I need it, but it feels like it could be within reach - perhaps just beyond the middle finger on my right hand.

(I know that's incredibly cheesy, but yoga does that to you. Makes you soft (and gives you triceps!)

Waiting Area

2008-04-01T16:58:00.003-04:00

I am sitting in the waiting area of the Subaru dealership, as my car gets its oil changed and a quick wash. I realized on the way home from school today that I was more than 1000 miles overdue for the oil change, and as I had the misfortune of replacing the turbo on my car in the fall, I decided to go ahead and get that oil changed STAT. No desire to repeat that experience.

So, here I sit. I expect to spend some time in a waiting area again tomorrow, as our appointment with the fertility specialist is at 9am. I have my list of questions ready, but I doubt that I will get the answer for the questions that plague me. Is this a good idea? Is my body telling me that I shouldn't have another child yet? Will I ever get to bring home a baby?

Somehow I think we'll spend more time on things like testing, drugs, insurance coverage (although that should go quickly - our insurance doesn't cover treatment) and "options." At this point I think our sole option is to pretend like we have enough money to consider our options.

In the meantime, I will spend the next month finishing up my school year. There is much, much to do before it is over, although I finally feel like I am over the halfway mark. Then I'll get two months of summer before I jump into the second session and complete my research requirement for the Master's program. Then come student teaching, all day every day. Let me repeat that, because once upon a time all day every day was what my life was like. But my last year has been so weird, between the Summer of Grief, and then school and part-time work that is so flexible no two weeks are alike. I kind of like the idea of all day every day right now, if only because I'll know what to expect.

Belated

2008-03-28T23:11:00.000-04:00

I started a post on February 26, but I got frustrated with being unable to load photos, and I was only sort of in the mood to post at the time anyway, so I never finished. And now it's been a month and I feel even less like posting, but I also don't feel like doing the mounds of school work that have accumulated as I continued doing just what needed to be done to get by. But you can't get by the fact that the semester will be over in a month. This will be just at exactly the right time, coming as it does at the precise week of the first anniversary of The Loss. Oh, shitstorm - I see you coming and yet I know not what to do. Rather, I know what to do but I can't seem to do it.

It's been a crappy couple of days, on Wednesday I got home late from class and Kelly let me know that my mother had called to tell me that K, my high school boyfriend, had passed away from a massive stroke. I have such a whirl of feelings about this - I think that in many ways this is a mercy, that he is gone now. Probably for his mother, who has been caring for him in the past two years since his first stroke, and in the years before that, too.

In my memory K will always be seventeen, with blond hair and beautiful blue eyes and amazing dimples. I got lost in those dimples, when I was fifteen. He was a sweet, kind soul and we loved each other. When I think of him I think of our innocence. I lost so much innocence through our relationship but I think that he did as much as he could to help me keep it. And I think that as much as he went through that he never shared with me, he managed to maintain an innocent sweetness that I really loved and have never forgotten.

I have carried so much guilt with me through the years, because I've felt that I failed that sweetness. His life got ugly and I could not deal with it, or him, and I've not spoken to him in more than 10 years. I am shamed that the pattern continues in his death - I am not going back to Bryan for the funeral. I hope he forgives me.

You know, my whole life I've known and been reminded that life is not fair. Somehow I keep expecting that it should be, though.

Save the Drama

2008-02-22T00:25:00.004-05:00

Oh, I wish. I wish that I could manage to get my period without busting into tears at some point. Really, life would be easier.

Sunday is my birthday - oh, happy day. Not so much. Since the anniversary of my father's death is usually 6 (but this year 7) days after my birthday, for the last 10 years my birthday has been - pretty good at best, I think. Wisely, for my 30th I celebrated early (in a great party shared with Becky). So it's not like it has ruined birthdays for me forever, it's just - as my birthday approaches, I kind of start the sinking a little. It actually took me a while to accept that I can't expect to just celebrate like a normal person. I am ambivalent about my birthday, and I'm okay with that now. You should be okay with it, too - when I say I don't know what I want to do for my birthday, I MEAN IT.

ANYWAY. What I am having a hard time with these days is feeling like this year's birthday, my 32nd, is just the kickoff of a long slide towards the fresher, more abysmatic (I know that isn't a word but it feels right) anniversary that is coming in April. April, which doesn't seem very far away any more. Had you asked me in June I would have said that I wanted to be at least 6 months pregnant in April. I will feel very lucky, very very lucky, to be six weeks pregnant by then. 32 years - if you had asked me at 25, I would have said that I wanted to have at least one and maybe two kids by 32. I will feel lucky, very very lucky, to have one child safe home with me by 33.

Sorry, y'all. I just realized that I really don't want to explore the depths of my grief after all. Suffice to say, it sucks. There are good things in my life - school is going pretty well for the most part, I've lost a little weight and am back to the yoga more regularly, student loans are in and we have a bit of breathing room financially. But I continue to shake my fist at the universe, and then I kind of whine to the universe. "Seriously?" I ask the universe. "Really? Can't you just fucking move on already?"

Shrugging, the universe seems to say "Eh, I'm here, why not a little more for this one?"

SchmUpdate

2008-02-15T23:55:00.004-05:00

So! Two weeks of no posts and somehow I don't have a large store of excitement to share with you. Sorry about that.

School is humming along nicely thus far - I will be doing my first lesson on Tuesday morning if you want to think nice thoughts for me. It's a read-aloud of The Lorax, tied in with the kids' recent unit on natural resources. I hope that it will go well. Yesterday I was there for the afternoon Valentine's Day party, which was quite a show. One girl told me I was "mean" - or rather, she said that some other girls said I was mean. Thanks, kid. I told her that sometimes when people tell us not-nice things about other people, the best thing to do is keep it to ourself. To be fair, I had brought out the hard-core teacher voice earlier - just said a little girl's name and gave her a look. It worked but then I felt bad.

I was talking to K last night about the weird passive-aggressive way that we talk to children these days. "You need to keep your hands to yourself" "I need you to sit in your desk" "Do you need to be twirling that ruler or do you need to be paying attention?" "Thank you for listening attentively" ETC AD NAUSEUM. Why do we NEED to do this, and NEED to do that? I don't know, but it is so pervasive that I have picked it up seamlessly. I caught myself telling Bink that I needed her to pee in the yard. Gah.

In neighborhood news, I have finally met M from My Rubberbandball. She put out the word that she had free magazines, and I finally hoofed it over to her (lovely) house to reap the bounty of Martha Stewarts and Cooking Lights. Yay! Also, her kid is awesome. AND, our totally awesome friend Hoke has moved in to the 'hood, almost exactly a mile from our house. We are hosting a little dinner thang for him tomorrow night - I think there will be Chicken Cacciatore, Eggplant Parmesan, and some garden bounty (carrots! Lots of carrots!) for Hoke and some of his friends who also live in the neighborhood. Should be fun.

There is a little movement on the fertility front - I have the card for the specialist but haven't called yet, and my doc has switched out my blood pressure meds and ordered blood draws to monitor my hormones. I've calmed down about it all just a bit, but just a bit. It sucks and I feel like my body is working against me. I've never been a very physical person, any exercise I get is still pretty much done because it's something I KNOW I should do. It's not like I live a life of the mind, more just a general modern disconnect with physicality. I'm not quite sure where I'm going with this. I've had this long-term vaguely distant relationship with my body, and now I feel like it's secretly been pissed about it forever and now is punishing me. Hi, crazy!

New Project

2008-01-30T14:45:00.000-05:00

So, I think I may have posted once upon a time that I was working on a new knitting project. It took SO MUCH expensive yarn, and I dragged my feet on it forever, but it made its debut last week (the same day as my new haircut).

It's super warm, doesn't get in the way, and I promise that it looks better than this. At least, I like it in the mirror but I don't like it in these pictures, so I think it must look better than this in person.

Now I am looking for a new project, and I may actually finally begin the sweater for Kelly that I've been threatening for a few years now - I bought the yarn in DC, so it could be three years or more at this point. At the moment it is looking like I will make Leo from Knitty for him, as thus far it is the only pattern I've showed him that he found at all appealing.

In other news, I am officially busy. Being in school two days and one evening a week, and working on the other three days has me feeling full up. Not in a bad way so far, although I think it will be a struggle for me to keep up with my reading and assignments. I am trying to be a little more conscientious about it, because the volume is so high that I know things will easily get away from me if I am not careful.

Today was my first day in the classroom where I will be interning, and I think I will really like it. The teacher feels like a good match for me - she is laid back and kind of dry, but when we talked after class it was apparent that she feels things deeply. It is a tough classroom, with more than her share of special-needs kids, so I think it will be a great learning experience for me if I can figure things out. The good part is that it seems like she is happy to let me do whatever I'd like - she had me give a spelling test this afternoon, about 20 minutes after I got there. I guess I've officially be thrown in the briar patch.

Chocolate Chili

2008-01-28T20:37:00.000-05:00

Emily emailed and texted to ask for my recipe for Chocolate Chili, as she wants to bring it for her "heritage day" potluck. Although this isn't really a traditional Texas chili, in that it isn't just beef (but NO BEANS is authentic, at least), it is best served over Fritos, and that is totally authentic Texana. Best if you get the little individual packs of fritos and pour some chili IN THE BAG and sprinkle with cheddar and diced onions.

2 onions, diced
1 red bell pepper, diced
3 cloves garlic
1 t oregano
2 T flour
4 T chili powder
1 t cumin
2 t salt
21 oz can crushed tomatoes
1 c water
1 sq unsweetened baking chocolate
2 t sugar
1 lb ground beef (I use turkey)
1 lb hot sausage (usually Owens)

Combine flour and herbs in small dish and set aside.

Sautee onion, pepper, and garlic on high heat in vegetable oil until onions are translucent.

Reduce heat to medium, stir in flour mixture with vegetables and cook 3 mins (until flour smell goes away)

Add tomatoes and water, then bring to a low simmer. Once simmering, add chocolate and sugar and stir until dissolved. Cook for one hour.

In separate skillet, brown the meat and drain fat.

Add meat to the tomato mixture and cook for another hour.

NOTE: I usually add something to make it spicier, a teaspoon of cayenne with the spice mixture, or a chopped chipotle pepper, etc.

Sorry for the lack of exhaustive documentation. K took these when he made this for a chili cookoff at work a while back, and we skipped a couple of steps in the rush to EAT (most important the part with the fritos and the cheese)

This is True

2008-01-27T21:47:00.001-05:00

per boingboing, and confirmed by a conversation I heard at my in-laws over the holidays, "Canadian" is the new word to use instead of "nigger."

Yep. Hopefully you heard it here first.

Reported in the National Post:

It was a routine e-mail from the boss sent to congratulate a junior prosecutor in Houston, Tex., who had won manslaughter convictions against an intoxicated driver.

"He convicted Mr. Sosa of a double intoxication manslaughter, got a weak jury to give him 12 years in each, and then convinced Judge Wallace to stack the sentences," Harris County assistant district attorney Mike Trent wrote in an office-wide memo. Then came the odd part: "He overcame a subversively good defence by Matt Hennessey that had some Canadians on the jury feeling sorry for the defendant and forced them to do the right thing."

The e-mail was sent in 2003 but came to light only this month as part of an unrelated controversy with his office, forcing Mr. Trent to defend himself against accusations of bigotry -- not because he offended the people of Canada, but because "Canadian" has apparently become a code word for blacks among American racists.

"There is a double meaning to that word and I didn't know it. I was horrified when I learned what it was, and I immediately addressed the issue with the people who brought it up," Mr. Trent told a local Fox News reporter in a recent interview.

"I'd never heard of Canadian being used as a term for a black person or for a racial slur," he said.

"If I had, I would never send that out in an office-wide e-mail that's going to go to people who are going to be offended if they recognize it as such. That would be crazy.... I'm not a racist. I'm not a bigot," Mr. Trent said.

Mark Vinson, who was a chief prosecutor in the Harris County office at the time, said he was puzzled by the reference to Canadians when he got the e-mail but was too busy to give it much thought. Then some colleagues informed him about the slang meaning of Canadian, and he felt crushed.

"So much has been accomplished in terms of equal opportunities, and the office had a super reputation," Mr. Vinson, who is black, told the National Post. "I just couldn't imagine someone in the office who would engage in that conduct."

He said he believes Mr. Trent's assurance that he had simply repeated a term used by the prosecutor on the case, Rob Freyer. Mr. Freyer did not return a message left yesterday.

"I know Mike. We laugh and talk about the [Dallas] Cowboys," Mr. Vinson said. "I truly don't believe that Mike knew what he was saying."

It is unusual that a seasoned attorney like Mr. Trent would not have wondered how a Harris County jury came to be stacked with Canadians. (There were no Canadians on the jury but there were some black members.) "The only way that there could have been Canadians on the jury, was if they were born in Canada and then became U.S. citizens, and then became citizens of the county in which the case was tried," Mr. Vinson noted.

Mr. Trent told Fox News that was not out of the question. "It would not be impossible or unusual for people from other countries to be on our juries," he said. "That's what I was told, and I took it as the literal meaning."

The bigger mystery is how "Canadian" came to be code for black. An online directory of racial slurs defines Canadian as a "masked replacement" for black.

Last August, a blogger in Cincinnati going by the name CincyBlurg reported that a black friend from the southeastern U.S. had recently discovered that she was being called a Canadian. "She told me a story of when she was working in a shop in the South and she overheard some of her customers complaining that they were always waited on by a Canadian at that place. She didn't understand what they were talking about and assumed they must be talking about someone else," the blogger wrote.

"After this happened several times with different patrons, she mentioned it to one of her co-workers. He told her that ‘Canadian' was the new derogatory term that racist Southerners were using to describe persons they would have previously referred to [with the N-word.]"

A similar case in Kansas City was reported last year on a Listserv, or electronic mailing list, used by linguistics experts. A University of Kansas linguist said that a waitress friend reported that "fellow workers used to use a name for inner-city families that were known to not leave a tip: Canadians. ‘Hey, we have a table of Canadians.... They're all yours.' "

Stefan Dollinger, a postdoctoral fellow in linguistics at University of British Columbia and director of the university's Canadian English lab, speculated that the slur reflects a sense of Canadians as the other.

"This ‘code' word, is the replacement of a no-longer tolerated label for one outsider group, with, from the U.S. view, another outsider group: Canadians. It could have been terms for Mexicans, Latinos etc. but this would have been too obvious," he said. "What's left? Right, the guys to the north."

Back

2008-01-22T00:01:00.000-05:00

Tonight was spent in preparation for the big day tomorrow. Although my internship class started last week, tomorrow is my first day in the elementary school where I will be interning for the rest of the semeseter.

I had previously thought that this internship would be spent just observing, but I was way wrong. Apparently I am supposed to be doing all sorts of stuff beyond sitting and watching - including a case study on literacy acquisition and teaching four lessons to whatever class I get matched with. I am scared, I am. Scared but also excited - I am kind of fascinated by the whole mechanics of how kids learn, but intimidated about figuring out how to be a good teacher. My education on the subject thus far can be summed up as - it's fucking hard, and very complicated.

Sunday night was spent at Laura and Peter's house at a little birthday celebration. I accidentally left my wallet at home and so felt free and clear to indulge (weight watcher points notwithstanding) in mucho vino since legally I should have driven home anyway. And I had gotten the initial sign that I am still not pregnant earlier that day. I'm in a better place now and that news didn't sent me immediately spiraling down, but it did sort of help me along with a bit of "fuck it, pour another".

I had told myself that I would start the medical fertility process this month if I wasn't pregnant, but I am unsure that I am ready for it after all. The desperation remains, but seems less urgent. Sitting here thinking about it I am still sort of wrecked emotionally, but the drumbeat of "must. get. pregnant. now." has faded just a bit. I'm not sure if that's because of an increase in fatalism or hope. Probably both. Whatever control I feel over the process is so illusory, and the constant stress and grasping is exhausting. The possibility of holding another child seems so far away and trying trying trying doesn't bring it any closer. If I could get an appointment with my therapist I would probably tell her that I have been spending all of these months wanting to be pregnant with my first child, wanting to live the last eighteen months of my life over again and have it turn out differently.

This week marks nine months since we lost our son. I have officially been without him for as much time as I had with him. It feels like a long time, but this is sort of the bridge, I feel like the balance shifts. I wish I also felt that that would make it easier, but I don't think so.

I was told at dinner last night that I'm "back" and in some ways it may be true. I think I am reaching that point where I do want to start integrating this experience, and I want to put my sense of self back together, figure out who I am and hopefully find that for the most part it is the same as who I was (I liked who I was). When my father died I spent a lot of time NOT wanting to be a different person. Now I know that I am a different person, I just need to settle the details.

Learn How!

2008-01-09T22:09:00.001-05:00

I read this in the copy of "From Julia Child's Kitchen" (circa 1982) that I brought home with the stack of my father's books I mean to sell online...

Learn how to cook! That's my invariable answer when I am asked to give forth with money-saving recipes, economy tips, budget gourmet dinner menus for six people under ten dollars, and the like. Learn how to cook! That's the way to save money. You don't save it buying hamburger helpers, and prepared foods; you save it buying fresh foods in season or in large supply, when they are cheapest and usually best, and you prepare them from scratch at home. Why pay for someone else's work, when if you know how to do it, you can save all that money for yourself? Knowing how to do it means doing it fast, and preparing parts of a dish or a meal whenever you have a spare moment in the kitchen. That way, cooking well doesn't take a great deal of time, and when you cook well, you'll be eating far better meals than you could buy from the freezer, or at a restaurant

I know that recent study proved that many junk foods are cheaper than buying fresh veggies, but I am still a big believer in making things from scratch. I am lucky in that in my family, scratch has always been the way - my grandmother still makes her homemade biscuits every time we are together, and she makes homemade jelly (from wild grape juice, no less!) every year. I remember having this conversation with my boss at That Job once - he had ordered his entire Thanksgiving meal from Central Market and was shocked that we planned to cook everything from scratch, including the cornbread for the dressing and the gravy. I firmly believe that my home cooking generally taste better (at least to me, since I am cooking for my own preferences) but also that the effort matters. The time, thought, and energy that comes with a good scratch meal - either from my kitchen or that of a good restaurant - makes it better. Cheaper or no. (and yes, I do think that for the most part you can do things cheaper from scratch, but since I don't really like beans all that much, it ain't always the case for me).

Campaigns R About People

2008-01-08T23:38:00.000-05:00

Tonight Kelly and I met with a sculptor in the hopes of becoming arts patrons. We want to "commission" a work in memory of RP, something that we can use instead of the urns they have available at the funeral home, to keep his ashes and have in our back yard. I feel good about the possibilities she might come up with, although our ability to fully fund the enterprise is in question. We were pretty up front with her about that, and she seems okay with it so we will roll with it right now.

While we were out and about we listened to snippets of the news coming out of New Hampshire - after the meeting it sounded like Clinton was ahead, but then after dinner (and some rockin') at J&B's we heard some of McCain and then part of Obama's speech and concluded that they both must have won. Authenticity, I said. I guess people just want authenticity above everything else. And I confess - I was a little bummed that he beat Hillary, and concerned that he was just going to sweep everything. All of a sudden I realized that maybe he's our Jimmy Carter. He's all feel-good and inspiring and gives you hope, but what if he couldn't make anything happen if he got elected? And I wasn't sure that we need Jimmy Carter in the White House again, God love him. High gas prices and a recession? Check. Dreamer in the White House? Let's think about that. I'm not saying no, just. Let me think on it.

Once we got home, we delved a little deeper and saw that in fact Hillary won. And of course her victory speech was less exciting than Obama's concession. It's a relief, even though I think I would feel better voting for the big O - I do want this to be a race. And I guess that I am getting sucked back into the political process (and isn't that what Obama is all about, bringing back the disillusioned?) because for real, y'all. Soon, our long national nightmare will be over, and another one can begin. We'll only have to live with the craptastic judges that Bush brought in for THIRTY YEARS. (Part of the problem with becoming re-engaged with the political process is that it re-engages me with my ANGER and OHMYGOD the anger it is hulktastic!)

Also today - my return to yoga. It was comical, because you wouldn't think that I had been all that flexible to start with, but the tightness. Wowza. And I have some pictures but this is long enough already.

The 200

2008-01-06T23:32:00.000-05:00

Hey, check it out! This is post # 200 for Skywestern Crooked, the blog you are currently reading. It seems like this would be cause for some sort of celebration, or acknowledgement of some sort. But since my latest sitemeter reports have been for ZERO visitors, I think that between you and me (or rather, me and me) we'll just keep plugging along.

Tonight is Emily's last night in Texas before she has to return to godforsaken New York City. We have celebrated in the fashion to which we have become accustomed - that is, a home-cooked dinner and then quality time at our laptops. I wonder if perhaps we should be concerned about the incredible amount of time that we spend at said laptops? No? Okay, cool. I am back to being able to lift my left arm above my head, so any motivation I may have had to question the health benefits of using a laptop constantly has dissipated. I will miss her, which is usually how I feel after she's been visiting/cohabitating. The way we sort of switched places (us back to Austin from DC the same month she left Austin for NYC) wasn't purely chance, but I gotta say I think it has worked out swell so far. She has these extended breaks due to her school schedule, and we have this extra bedroom and lots of her stuff in our house, so we all feel at home while she hangs in Austin. I will be sad to see this era pass.

While in Bryan earlier on this trip we spent some quality time cleaning shit out of the house that my mother is planning to vacate this spring (if all goes well) and there is quite a bit of it, though not nearly as much as I know there could be. Either way, I find the act of evaluating each and every possession for provenance, sentiment, monetary value, and utility to be exhausting. And I now realize that it is something that I need to do more of in my own house, if there is to be any hope of maintaining our current levels of crap for the long term. Right now I am in my comfort zone as far as the amount of stuff we have, but life demands that we divest ourselves of the stuff constantly, just to maintain and avoid increasing amounts of crap.

I should go to bed, but mention might be made of joining Weight Watchers again, and starting school. Both are imminent and I am excited and scared in equal measure.

New Year, New...no. Not that new, really.

2008-01-02T11:38:00.000-05:00

I had a bit of a sinking feeling today, I think it was due to the fact that we are firmly into the new year now and yet somehow I feel about the same as I did way back in last year. What is up with that? Shouldn't sun have started shining from my ass by now?

But I will not go thinking about how the end of the year is simply an arbitrary mark that signifies no real change. Perhaps I should start dancing naked in the woods to mark the solstice rather than slurping champers and commenting on the total lack of movement in Carson Daly's forehead to mark the new year. (does the total volume of noxious chemicals needed to maintain Carson and Ryan Seacrest's unlined faces exceed the volume of of said chemicals running through Dick Clark's veins?)

I had some comment to make about my lack of political interest of late, contrasted with the immense amount of energy I had for all things political once upon a time. After going through all of my high school ephemera in support of cleaning out my mom's house, I was saddened at my current lack of engagement. I used to love that shit! As with all things, I blame George W Bush - the soul-sucking experience of the last fifteen years (I didn't vote for him for governor, either) has left me without any hope for our country.

There, I said it. I knew all along he sucked, and the fact that people voted for him every time makes me want to never vote again. I could never have imagined that things would turn out this badly, but oh my god I TOLD YOU SO!!!! In the future, friends, please just listen to me and maybe we could avoid a total constitutional holocaust.

KTHXBAI!

Back Here

2007-12-29T19:41:00.000-05:00

We're home, after having been gone for a week. Being gone for a week over the holidays isn't that bad, except that we didn't exactly plan to be gone for so long. We didn't decide for sure to leave last Saturday instead of Sunday until that morning, and we didn't decide to stay in Shreveport through Friday until Wednesday night, and we didn't decide to spend last night in Bryan until yesterday afternoon. We decided to do all of those things, but I still feel a little bamboozled about the fact that I've been gone for a week.

The Christmas family gathering was both not as bad as I imagined, and just as bad as I imagined. There were tears, and it was stressful to be around a baby that was born a month after RP was due. I have been around other babies that same age, but seeing him in that house, with all of my relatives around, really drilled into me what we are missing. And of course having all of this timed to perfectly coincide with my period, well. Ugh, that pretty much covers it. The suckage continues.

My mother is planning to sell her house in the spring and hopes to build a new, smaller home. This is great, except of course it means that she must clean out the 32 years of stuff that our family has generated. The big wall o' books in the living room has been decimated, and I now have a big fat box of books to attempt to sell online (we culled the first edition first printings, and researched them all and have about 30 that may be worth a little something). And the three boxes of high school crap that I have successfully avoided bringing home with me for the last two years had to be sifted, and I brought two boxes back. I'm such a sucker.

Reading through all of the notes and letters made me realize two things. 1) I managed to catch the tail end of the epistolary era, and it turns out that I actually wrote and received plenty of mail through the years 2) I never write or receive mail now unless it is a an occasion. We got tons and tons of cards when we lost RP and it was much appreciated, but letters now function as official gestures, I think. Christmas, birthdays, deaths, etc.

As we left Bryan this afternoon, I felt burdened by the stuff I was bringing back with me. And I realized that it is just the beginning of the process. My mother has done an admirable job of cleaning out her belongings on a regular basis, but there is still SO MUCH that needs to be sifted, sorted, possibly sold, and finally moved (probably twice, but that's another matter). K and I used to talk the good talk about crap-free living, but it is hard to maintain. This stuff is insidious, and I turn around to find piles and piles of it everywhere. I guess constant vigilance is required, but right now I don't feel like I have the energy.

Squash

2007-12-17T23:28:00.000-05:00

It's not just a way for your rich kid to get into the Ivy League.

In our fall garden, Kelly planted these tromboncini squash that we weren't quite sure what to do with. It turns out that they are really great, and I look forward to growing them again. They have a wonderful buttery flavor, and are much less watery than your zucchini types. The texture is more like a light butternut squash. Highly recommended.

Sadly, the harvest is done and we have no more of them. With the second-to-last one, we made another tart using a sheet of puff pastry. (I should remember to always have puff pastry on hand, it is so yummy and somehow people are impressed when you serve anything using it).

In a nod to the season, we used gruyere on top. It was so awesome that I failed to take a picture of the finished product.

Throwback

2007-12-17T00:10:00.001-05:00

How often do you have that conversation about "what did we do before cell phones?"

Well, here's one thing we did - we just walked over to dinner at our friends' houses without a phone, or keys, or anything else. We stayed longer than expected, and returned home to find that our husbands were gone and the house was locked.

So, we decided to sit and wait, imagining that our husband had gotten tired of waiting for us to get home before going to the grocery store as needed. We imagined how nice it was of him to go ahead and do the shopping, since that is usually our job.

We tried not to think about how much time was or was not passing, or how much we had to pee, or how our toes were getting pretty cold and our butt was too. We paced, we sat on the tailgate and swung our legs to try to keep the blood flowing to our toes, we did the stretches that the physical therapist prescribed for that lingering can't-use-my-arm thing. We were grateful that we had a nice handmade alpaca scarf around our neck, and marveled that just the scarf could pretty much keep us warm enough.

Inevitably, as time passed, it occurred to us that perhaps he had not simply gone to the grocery store. We remembered that our friends had invited him to go to a concert, and that other friends were planning a marathon 58-song Rock Band session. We imagined how late either of those things might go, and tried to decide if we could just wait that long, swinging our legs and sitting on the tailgate while the neighbor's cat stared from the end of the driveway.

After noticing that our across the street neighbors were awake and in their living room, we probably figured now was our chance and we went over to knock on their door. Of course, before cell phones, we would have had most necessary phone numbers memorized. Now, not so much - a couple of wrong numbers at 10:50pm might be the casualty of living in the age of instant contact.

So, a full hour after leaving our friends' house to walk home, we finally reached our husband and he came home straight away from his long night of rockin'.

THANK YOUS

2007-12-13T22:45:00.000-05:00

Remember how I had a big stack of thank yous to write for all of the nice things people did/gave us when we lost the baby? I thought I was done with them, but it turns out there's way more.

On Tuesday evening, the dogs started barking and I looked out the window to see the UPS man coming up our walk. This was unexpected, as I've told you (OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN, apparently) we're in the no-spend zone.

The UPS man handed me a Dyson box. I knew what was in it because the picture on the outside clearly showed me that it was the Stowaway I so nonchalantly linked to in a previous post.

Is this some sort of lesson in the power of the Secret or something? The universe somehow trying to show me that it's not all shit out there, good things can come my way too? This just happened to arrive the evening after we got back from visiting my doctor to discuss our attempts to get pregnant. She wasn't exactly dismissive, but it was clear that she thought I should just chill out and not be in such a hurry. I knew that would be the reaction but I still have a hard time with it. I've talked about this with my therapist (conveniently scheduled for the following morning) and I can't separate getting pregnant from the "healing process." One is part of the other, and like the hepa filter and clear bin technology they are two parts of the same machine. Only the machine of healing my grief doesn't seem to be nearly as efficient and pleasurable as my new vacuum.

Somehow dumping out all of my emotions in therapy still doesn't feel as good as dumping out all of the crap I just sucked out of the living room carpet.

Treat

2007-12-06T23:44:00.000-05:00

This frugal living thing, as I said, gets easier eventually. It's starting to be easier for me again, but I must confess. When I saw the dollar amount of my upcoming student loan disbursement, I instantly ran through the five things I would like to spend that money on.

The sad thing is, those five things do not include some things that I could really use - a haircut, new clothes, or a big fat sushi dinner. No. Those five things included a new back door (we might have to get this anyway, as ours is truly falling apart and replacement parts are not available, we tried), blinds for our windows (we have lived with the Target special folded paper blinds for more than two years now), and a vacuumm cleaner. Now, I will admit that the vacuum counts as a true indulgence. BUT OMG my big treat to myself would be a $500 vacuum cleaner. Dang, that kind of sucks. (HA! I wrote that without irony!)

So I decided that I really should get myself a treat, and booked a massage for tomorrow. And I didn't even know that she was having a December special when I did it, but it's still $40 I could be putting towards something else. But I feel okay about it - I made it through the first semester back in school, and I can't lift my arm. A massage is officially in order.

Now if I could find a way to justify glomming on to K's January trip to San Francisco.

Done and Done

2007-12-05T23:08:00.000-05:00

I turned my project in tonight, and although I do feel some sense of relief, it is not the great release I was hoping for. I guess I am realizing that this year is almost over - it's a good thing, but of course it's a little more complicated than just good riddance. I very much want this year to be over. I can only hope that 2007 will go down as one of the worst years of my life. I lost my son, my job, and my sense of myself there for a while.

But I think in my mind I've given myself to the end of the year to get myself together. Next semester I'll be taking a school load that is much more intense than this one. I still plan to continue working part time. I expect that the getting-pregnant activities may also become more intense (I will be seeing my lady doctor next week to discuss). And the money situation will be tighter because being in school full time will mean I give up life on the dole (although one dole is being replaced by another - my first student loan!!). So although I feel like I am under a lot of stress now, I also know that it will be even greater in the new year. Most of the time I feel like I am building towards it, and that I can handle it and it will be fine. But I also feel sort of queasy at the prospect.

Also, Christmas is going to suck. I need to be clear on that - my period is due on the 23rd, it will be 8 months since we lost RP, and...I think that's enough for suckage. But, I've been dreading it for so long I can almost look forward to it just being done with.

Schmealth

2007-12-04T23:50:00.001-05:00

Sorry this has sort of turned into a catalog of my health woes. So far a slipped or bulging disc, tumor, and MS have been ruled out as causes of my arm issue. We're pretty much stuck at "Gee, that's strange. Let me know if it gets worse."

Soooo - everyone around me seems to think that this is stress related, or has something to do with working on a laptop at the kitchen counter. So I think I will get a massage to shut them up. Also, to celebrate being done with this semester (after tomorrow at 6:30pm, that is). Emily says not to underestimate the relief I will feel when I am actually done, so I am looking forward to that sense of elation as I leave the Texas State campus.

Not for nothing, but No-Spend-tober was a success, and No-Spendber was okay too (car trouble prevented it from being a total success) so De-Spendber is here. And really, no-spend-year is coming up. It does get easier, although my sushi cravings have not abated. Mostly I'm trying to figure out how to swing a cheap Christmas. Thank goodness I took that Handmade Pledge!

Tortilla Soup

2007-12-03T23:50:00.000-05:00

This recipe comes from Diana Kennedy's The Essential Cuisines of Mexico which so far is my only Mexican food cookbook, but I have not gotten CLOSE to needing another one yet. I think I mentioned previously the broiling of tomatoes. (for some reason I can't get the post up to link to it) and this is my primary use for them.

Sopa De Tortilla (serves 6)

12 small tortillas, cut into strips and dried
12 oz broiled tomatoes
1/4 c chopped onion
1 garlic clove
6 cups caldo de pollo (I use whatever stock I have frozen plus bullion if necessary)
2 sprigs epazote
3 pasilla chiles, fried crisp and crumbled (I used a jalapeno blistered in a cast iron skillet)
6 heaped tablespoons grated chihuahua cheese or muenster

Heat vegetable oil in a large skillet and fry the tortilla strips until they are lightly browned but not too crisp. Drain them on paper toweling. Pour off all but 1 T of oil.

Blend the tomatoes, onion and garlic to a smooth sauce, then add to the oil and fry for about 5 minutes, until the sauce is well seasoned and has reduced somewhat. (I added the blistered pepper at this point)

Add the sauce to the Caldo de Pollo and bring to a boil. Adjust seasoning. Add the tortilla strips and cook them for about 3 minutes. (I reserve 1/2 of the tortillas and serve them on top of the soup). Just before serving add the epazote, cook for 1 minute more.

We serve with some crispy tortilla strips and cheese, glorious cheese. Sorry, no photos of that step because we were in such a hurry to eat it. This is VERY FILLING and totally awesome.

After an MRI and a CAT scan, I'm scheduled for some blood work and a nerve test tomorrow as they keep trying to figure out what is going on, why I can't seem to use my left shoulder or bicep. It's kind of frustrating, and I saw the bill for the MRI today when I was in the office for the CAT scan (insurance said they would pay, they just haven't paid yet). Ack. Thank goodness for that state job, K - keep payin those taxes, people!

Step, Step

2007-11-27T23:52:00.001-05:00

Today was not a good day. I am having a hard time keeping my shit together, everything just seems like too much and it's overwhelming to try to deal with it all. After twice crying inappropriately (although I wasn't even the only one to cry during class tonight) today, I have come to some realizations, or at least some ideas about possible realizations that maybe I should come to.

1) I need to take better care of myself.

I think - I hope - that whatever is wrong with my arm and neck are at lest partially due to the enormous amount of stress and tension that I carry around with me every day. I do not exercise anything close to regularly and I think that has contributed to my stress level and my inability to deal with things as they arise (hello, car trouble?).

Also, the eating habits, they could use improvement. And the weight, it could drop. And perhaps the blood pressure, it could be helped without just the medication.

2) I need to think more positively.

This one is weird. Because the power of positive thinking is not going to do anything to change the fact that my baby died before he was born, that I can't seem to get pregnant, that our car is in the shop and money is tight. However, I know I need to stop going to that bad place - I start thinking about the baby and it's a short hop to Seriously Depressive Thoughts. This is a fairly recent development, and I know that I can bring myself back from that - I just need to remember how to do it. I think it has something to do with breaking things down into manageable pieces, concentrating on the current thing, then the next step, and not running through the ten steps to Uncontrollable Sadness.

Hello, Obvious. So nice to see you again! How is that daily-blog-posting thing going for YOU?

Fareal?

2007-11-26T23:25:00.000-05:00

I made it to the doctor this afternoon to check on my arm. He referred me to a neurologist and wants to see an MRI. So far my insurance hasn't approved the MRI, and I haven't gotten any word from my doctor which neurologist to see.

Which is fine, it gives me more time to run through worst-case scenarios. Who would have thought that one could get comfort from the idea that maybe it's just a neck injury?

Brutal

2007-11-25T22:15:00.000-05:00

Cecily posted today (along with several others) about grief. I found Cecily's blog through Melanie (Hi neighbor! I'll take you up on the walking offer eventually, I swear!) and of course I've been reading ever since. Experiencing a stillbirth is isolating, and now dealing with having trouble conceiving again - to find anyone who has been through something like this is a relief. Especially when they post pictures of their child - it's proof that things might get better eventually.

So Cecily posted about grief, and I want to do the same. My sister has said often that she wants to write a book about this, and I think we might do it eventually. But here's the breakdown:

Grief Sucks. I've labeled all of my posts about what I'm going through now with the tag "brutal" because that is what it is. It hurts. It's exhausting. It is neverending. I know from experience that I will feel better eventually, but I regularly have days when that is difficult to remember.

Dealing with someone who is grieving is hard and the thing to remember is that there is nothing you can do to take their hurt away. You can only acknowledge the loss, and try to make the rest of their life a little easier, because in my experience it takes every ounce of energy to make it through the days, particularly at first. So when people brought food, or did things that needed doing, it was a relief and a gift gratefully received. When they kindly kept us company when we were very poor company, it was appreciated. When they said they didn't know what to say, that was enough.

Grief is such an individual process. When my father died it sent my mother, sister and I on completely separate paths of grief, and at times it felt impossible to deal with our differences. When we lost the baby, I remember someone telling K and I to be understanding of each other, because everyone grieves differently. "Oh, believe me I know - if I had been married to my sister we would have gotten divorced after my father died" I replied. It was true. So far, we have managed to be pretty understanding of each other. But there are times when I am sure that he is mystified by my tears, and I am mystified by his stoicism.

We have been lucky in that we have received so much support, understanding and patience from our family and friends - and we've needed it. We will continue to need it. I continue to feel grateful for it.

Frito Pie - Nectar of the Gods

2007-11-25T00:37:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the lack of tortilla soup pictures. Today I slept until noon - it was soo cozy and warm under the down comforter, and the dog was so happy to cuddle.

We made a brief foray into the cold and wet to get supplies for a dinner of chili.

Also, here's a question fo rthe internet - should I be worried that I can't seem to raise my left hand above my head? Peter says that it is unlikely to be the result of a stroke, but I am worried. Last week my left shoulder hurt all week, and now I can't fully use my arm. It seems like those might be related, but I can't figure it out and it's freaky.

To bed now.

Eh

2007-11-23T23:29:00.000-05:00

Thanksgiving is fin, all is okay here. We returned to Austin this afternoon in time to deposit the car BACK at the Subaru dealership (they gave us a loaner) due to some air conditioning problem. That, in addition to the flat tire we got on the trip up to Bryan, America.

Jeez. I am SO READY for 2007 to be done. This is the Annus Horribilis to end them all. I feel like I have spent the last seven months with a giant raincloud over my head, following me from place to place.

However, a bit of tortilla soup for dinner tonight did make things seem pretty manageable. I took pictures and will maybe post it tomorrow.

Dinner Conversation

2007-11-20T23:18:00.000-05:00

Tonight K and I had a lovely dinner with my friend K and her fiance, and L&P, and K's mom, who paid for all of us to drink margaritas and stuff ourselves with tex-mex. Thanks! It was great!

In the course of our dinner we had a lengthy conversation about dog pee. Really. We each had a good story about times that our dogs have peed inappropriately, what they peed on, how hard it was to clean up, how embarassed we were about the peeing.

It only now occurs to me that perhaps that isn't the most illuminating of dinner coversation topics.

But I had another pee story that I didn't share at the table this evening. This morning, being day 31 of my current menstrual cycle, I peed on a stick on the off chance that I was pregnant. (I'm not, the stick told me so). This was good because I had a therapy session, and I wanted to get my money's worth. Had I not done that, I might have talked only about how I am dreading Christmas and the thought of it kind of makes me want to cry. Perhaps I would have shared that I have two projects, a paper, a presentation, and two finals to worry over in the next two weeks (for some reason I keep glossing over the presentation) and I am still unclear on how all of that will get done.

Instead, I got to go over my obsession and frustration with trying to conceive (namely, that we can't seem to do it) and my worries about what is coming our way - the possible medical interventions, most of which aren't covered by insurance. My feeling that I don't really think doctors can help me because I feel that ultimately they failed me terribly in my last pregnancy. That this leads to the feeling that I have little hope of having a child, much less the several that I had hoped for. That I hate getting my hopes up each month only to have them crash, but that I also know that my situation isn't hopeless and I should have faith in my body. But I have no faith in my body because so far it hasn't been able to give me two cycles of the same length since I gave birth, and let's not go into what came before that.

Ugh. It was a relief to talk about dog piss at dinner.

Post Haste

2007-11-20T00:01:00.000-05:00

Sorry, I can't seem to must much more than half-assed posts. Obviously, I am not cut out for this super-regular posting business. And I can't simply throw a picture up as I'm having trouble accessing my Flickr account tonight. Bastards.

Both of my projects for the class I enjoy most have to do with Gifted and Talented kids. Naturally that's no accident - being in school of course means that I have spent some time in the past few months reading, thinking, and talking about young kids and school environments, the educational process. It has made me think a lot about my own experiences and to be honest, a lot of them are coming up blurry. I am still pretty fuzzy on details and am considering getting a copy of my "permanent record" if it is still available.

I was kicked out of the Gifted and Talented program twice in my educational career - in third grade, and in sixth. Both times it was because I spent the majority of my class time reading library books under my desk instead of paying attention to the teacher. In sixth grade, this was concurrent with some pretty significant behavior problems in one of my "regular" classes. So, naturally I am drawn to these projects having to do with G/T kids (I'm doing a case study and an article critique) since I was one and on some level, I was poorly served. But when I try to think about how I as a teacher would handle a kid like me, I am stymied - so I guess I can't totally blame those professionals who didn't really know what to do with me, either. I mean, if I don't even know, how could they figure it out? And what if what I really needed simply wasn't an option in the public school classroom? That is the most likely answer.

Emily and I have talked a little bit about this - so much of what I am learning seems to be illuminating just how difficult-if-not-impossible it is to be a great teacher for all of the students that come into a classroom. Every day a new study is released that shows how fucked our public education system seems to be, and I wonder - what am I getting myself into?

Shock

2007-11-18T23:53:00.000-05:00

Okay, so - no posts for Friday and Saturday after all. I am sure that you, my blog-reading "public" (all three of you) are TERRIBLY disappointed, and I am sorry. Please forgive.

We did end up going to the ranch again this weekend, and it was nice. Although I tried to do yoga for the first time in quite a while (the chanting workshop was much more about the mantras than the yoga) and ow. Chaturanga is not my friend.

But, overall it was good - my neck is slightly less stiff, and that's all we can hope for I guess. This week is Thanksgiving, and I think that we have committed to going to my grandmother's after all. My cuz is bringing his new girl! I have to!

And no class! I don't have to drive to Georgetown and back on the cold, dark, under-construction highway! Now if only I could figure out how to get going on my stupid schoolwork, we would be SET. There was an English PhD at the ranch this weekend and we had a brief discussion about captivity narratives and I realized, I am still way out of my depth on the deep intellectual tip. Deep is not my bag, man. I'm doing all I can to stay afloat in the shallow end of the academic pool right now.

FAFSA

2007-11-16T00:15:00.000-05:00

Done. Not quite as painful as people promised, but no fun.

I'm feeling a mite poorly - seasonal sinus, I guess. I have a fat list of things that need doing before I head out of town tomorrow afternoon (sort of a last-minute thing, so I actually won't be able to post Saturday but I'll attempt to put something up tomorrow, I haven't entirely given up the NaBloPoMo ghost).

We ended up getting invited to spend Thanksgiving on a camping trip to Big Bend, which I really wanted to do and was so excited about until I realized, duh. I am in school and have three major projects and two finals. I can't be out of commission for five solid days. I am bummed, but inspired to perhaps try to make a post-Christmas trip happen.

Here, I Made These for Somebody!

2007-11-14T23:30:00.001-05:00

So, two years ago for Christmas I got this suh-weet vintage Bernina sewing machine. It had been sitting in the guest room in its case for the last, oh, six months until I brought it back out last week. I had some Christmas presents that I needed to get started on.

You see, my grandmother made a specific request for her gift. She has a couple of potholders that are at least 40 years old, she has repaired them multiple times but they are finally kaput. And she can't find any for sale that are similar. She wants them small, good for wrapping around the handles of cast-iron skillets (I would imagine, anyway).

So here are my first attempts so far. Definitely on the right track, but this was my first attempt at using bias tape and it shows. So I guess these are mine, I need to make a few more practice rounds before I am ready to make one for gifting.

While the machine was out, I did get inspired to finally put the back together for my funky quilt. This was originally inspired by some fabrics I bought at a garage sale. Most of the fabrics I've ended up using are from stores, but they all came from those original two. This is based on the Denyse Schmidt "Hop Skip Jump" pattern, though obviously adapted. I am excited to get the batting, do some minimal quilting, and bind this puppy, because I started it a long-ass time ago.

The purple is for the binding.

Have I mentioned that I've had a crick-like pain in my neck and left shoulder all week? It seems to be slightly better, but WTF, mate? Am I going to have to make an appointment for a massage or something?

Gifting

2007-11-13T23:38:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking a lot about the holidays lately. This is primarily because my efforts to avoid the idea have started to run up against the calendar. Decisions need to be made.

We've hosted Thanksgiving for the last few years and I really enjoy it. Kelly grills the turkey, I make sausage-cornbread dressing, and gravy (LOVES GRAVY) and lots of other yumminess, and we are starting to feel like traditions are building. But this year we don't need to host his family, and instead must decide if we want to go to my grandmother's house (with associated pain in my ass of traveling with two dogs, possible drama in my mind, and good-deed-ness of being with my family).

For Christmas, I am really avoiding the idea but I expect it to be hard. Last year my cousin's wife and I were both pregnant, and there was much talk about how this year there would be two babies there for the first time in many many years. So not only will I not have the baby with me that I expected to have, another baby boy born about six weeks after he died will be there. DO NOT WANT, especially as I am sort of giving up on the idea that I will be pregnant by then. Honestly, it sounds like torture but what the hell else am I going to do? I've done the same thing for Christmas every year, for my entire life. What's a little trauma when compared with a lifetime of happy memories?

SO. In addition to the fact that the holidays suck when you're grieving, we are not so much flush with cash this year. I think our budget for Christmas gifts is less than half it was last year, and that is just because we get cash back on our credit card and will be using it to fund our holidays. So maybe I'm just more receptive to the idea than normal, but I am seriously considering making the Buy Handmade pledge this year.

Not that handmade items are actually cheaper, unless I end up making them myself. Mostly I am trying to make things. I have a couple of knitting projects going, and of course there are the dozen washcloths that I've made. I have some jalapenos that I am considering making into jelly. But this is always the issue I run into when I consider giving someone something I've made - will they really appreciate it, or will they just think I'm cheap?

The past few years, I've given my grandmother something from Heifer International as part of her Christmas gift. I think she likes it, but I am not totally sure. I've been reading Revolution in Jesusland lately, and earlier this week he linked to the Advent Conspiracy project. I naturally thought of the Buy Handmade idea, although the two are coming to similar conclusions from radically different places.

I guess what I'm saying is, I'm not so into Christmas this year for pretty obvious reasons. What I do want out of the holiday is to find some meaning, since I'm mostly in a going-through-the-motions mode.