Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Waiting.

I hear that there are actual people who read my blog and they want to know what's up! Sorry I haven't been updating, but it's been a whole lot of not much to see over here. But hey, check it out. Another two weeks has passed since my last post. And hey, look at that. I still have a baby growing here - the ultrasound tech reported Monday that babygirl was at least 7 pounds. Also hey - check it out. I still have five days (-ish) to go.

Since last I posted, I got everything sorted and registered and paid and have attended both of my classes. Both professors were understanding and appear reasonably flexible about the fact that I will be giving birth soon and will consequently be going over the allowed absences. So now I just have to do as much of the work on the syllabus as possible so that I'm in a good spot by next week. Easier said that read, dude.

In the meantime, I generally just feel weird. I've made it to the 38-week mark, which is a relief I guess but not as much of one as I might have imagined. Everything still feels like it is completely in limbo, I continue to have days where I am anxious all day no matter how much she moves.  We did make a run to the hospital weekend before last when I came home after eating at a friend's house to find that my blood pressure was reading 145/107. Everything was fine, they put me on the monitor, drew some blood and sent me home. Lanell said she was frankly surprised that it was my first trip to the hospital, and to be honest I'm surprised too. I don't promise that it will be the last before our appointed check-in time (which is Monday night, by the way).

I'm trying to alternate my disaster thoughts with positive ones, and for the most part I'm doing okay. Preparation is still pretty minimal, no crib set up, no carseat installed. I feel like all of that can wait until we know the outcome. I have gone through and separated the newborn-sized clothes that we already have, but can't seem to bring myself to remove tags or wash them. I've gone shopping for new clothes even, but can't seem to buy them. I've looked at bouncer seats and the BOB Revolution but can't make a purchase on those, either. (and the stroller is even on sale at REI right now! How can I pass it up??)

I know we've gotten this far and things still look good, and I hope that we make it to Monday night with things continuing the way they have. Beyond that? I can't see that far right now...




Wednesday, January 14, 2009

20 Days

We got the results back from the fetal lung maturity amnio today. Based on the numbers, babygirl's lungs will be ready in 20 days.  That's February 3 for those who like to look at calendars. That's also at 38 weeks 5 days, for those who might remember that we lost our son at about exactly 37 weeks. 

So, that appointment we had to start induction tomorrow night? Cancelled. My sister's airline ticket? Rescheduled. My hopes that I might soon be done with this daily anxiety-fest? Crushed. I had tried not to focus too much on the plan we had put together. It frustrated me to go through all the details, knowing that it all rested on the amnio.  But yesterday, the thought that by the weekend we might be done, it promised such relief. It was tempting. 

So now I have to come up with another plan, I guess. I will be waiting, watching, and hoping, hoping, hoping. The worst has not happened, and I can only keep this up in the hopes that the worst does not happen again. I guess I will try to see this as something that is meant to ensure that the worst doesn't happen but it doesn't feel that way right now.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Tickin' Tickin' Tickin'

Time, it's what I've got these days. Plenty of time on my hands. Time to lay in bed and wonder if the baby is moving - either at all, or enough. Repeat throughout the day in different positions and locations, and that is how my time is spent. Sure, I also go to doctor appointments, run errands, surf the internet, eat. Even go for walks and stuff. Consider the possibilities of crafting, cooking, and cleaning. But mostly, that's the filler part of how my time is spent, and often I will do those other things only to the extent that I am still able to wonder how babygirl is doing. For something that takes place almost entirely in my head, it kinda wears me right out.

Today is Friday, which means that I can say that I am 35 weeks pregnant. Emily reminds me that I've been spared almost two months of worry time, as I didn't figure out I was pregnant until I was 9 weeks, and I will likely be induced at 36 weeks and won't have to endure those last few weeks that normal pregnant people expect to spend being tired of being pregnant being crazy.  But of course I feel like I'm packing in the worry time anyway. One of the worries is that it is a mistake to electively induce at 36 weeks. It's really just for my own mental health, and and and. Is it the right thing to do? Is it the smart thing to do? Is it the best choice? I DON'T KNOW. There have been these studies recently, but I try not to visit Dr. Google too often. Also a study of 100,000 births doesn't tell you how to approach someone with my medical situation and history of stillbirth. My doctors assure me that they are not concerned for baby girl if we deliver this early, and I guess I have chosen to trust their judgement. I also don't know how I could keep this up if I had five more weeks to go, so go figure. 

When we took our childbirth class last time around we spent some time talking about the "next best thing" - being open to the possibility that our ideal birth scenario would not play out, that we would have choices to make and we may need to go with the next best choice. It seems silly now, to worry about whether or not I'll have a c-section, whether I'll get hammered by pitocin, whether I'll subsist on ice chips for more than 12 hours. Lanell has asked if I can see myself having a "kicking, screaming baby" and I still can't make that enormous leap. I suspect that no matter what happens I'll be shocked by the outcome.