Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Tickin' Tickin' Tickin'

Time, it's what I've got these days. Plenty of time on my hands. Time to lay in bed and wonder if the baby is moving - either at all, or enough. Repeat throughout the day in different positions and locations, and that is how my time is spent. Sure, I also go to doctor appointments, run errands, surf the internet, eat. Even go for walks and stuff. Consider the possibilities of crafting, cooking, and cleaning. But mostly, that's the filler part of how my time is spent, and often I will do those other things only to the extent that I am still able to wonder how babygirl is doing. For something that takes place almost entirely in my head, it kinda wears me right out.

Today is Friday, which means that I can say that I am 35 weeks pregnant. Emily reminds me that I've been spared almost two months of worry time, as I didn't figure out I was pregnant until I was 9 weeks, and I will likely be induced at 36 weeks and won't have to endure those last few weeks that normal pregnant people expect to spend being tired of being pregnant being crazy.  But of course I feel like I'm packing in the worry time anyway. One of the worries is that it is a mistake to electively induce at 36 weeks. It's really just for my own mental health, and and and. Is it the right thing to do? Is it the smart thing to do? Is it the best choice? I DON'T KNOW. There have been these studies recently, but I try not to visit Dr. Google too often. Also a study of 100,000 births doesn't tell you how to approach someone with my medical situation and history of stillbirth. My doctors assure me that they are not concerned for baby girl if we deliver this early, and I guess I have chosen to trust their judgement. I also don't know how I could keep this up if I had five more weeks to go, so go figure. 

When we took our childbirth class last time around we spent some time talking about the "next best thing" - being open to the possibility that our ideal birth scenario would not play out, that we would have choices to make and we may need to go with the next best choice. It seems silly now, to worry about whether or not I'll have a c-section, whether I'll get hammered by pitocin, whether I'll subsist on ice chips for more than 12 hours. Lanell has asked if I can see myself having a "kicking, screaming baby" and I still can't make that enormous leap. I suspect that no matter what happens I'll be shocked by the outcome.


3 comments:

  1. I really feel for you, I cannot imagine all the worry.

    Lily was born at 35 weeks and she was fine. She didn't even start screaming for a month. An early baby is a sleepy baby, it gives you a lot of time to get used to the new person in your house. I know I shouldn't be in favor of six pound babies, but they are very easy to carry around and somehow extra cute.

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  2. For what it's worth if I were in your shoes I think I'd do the exact same thing (induce at 36wks assuming lung maturity). Exactly.

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  3. Thinking about you lots, and sending all the prayers, good vibes, positive thinking, etc. that I can muster your way.

    I agree with Kirsten that I'd do the exact same thing in your shoes.

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