Today is Friday, which means that I can say that I am 35 weeks pregnant. Emily reminds me that I've been spared almost two months of worry time, as I didn't figure out I was pregnant until I was 9 weeks, and I will likely be induced at 36 weeks and won't have to endure those last few weeks that normal pregnant people expect to spend being tired of being pregnant being crazy. But of course I feel like I'm packing in the worry time anyway. One of the worries is that it is a mistake to electively induce at 36 weeks. It's really just for my own mental health, and and and. Is it the right thing to do? Is it the smart thing to do? Is it the best choice? I DON'T KNOW. There have been these studies recently, but I try not to visit Dr. Google too often. Also a study of 100,000 births doesn't tell you how to approach someone with my medical situation and history of stillbirth. My doctors assure me that they are not concerned for baby girl if we deliver this early, and I guess I have chosen to trust their judgement. I also don't know how I could keep this up if I had five more weeks to go, so go figure.
When we took our childbirth class last time around we spent some time talking about the "next best thing" - being open to the possibility that our ideal birth scenario would not play out, that we would have choices to make and we may need to go with the next best choice. It seems silly now, to worry about whether or not I'll have a c-section, whether I'll get hammered by pitocin, whether I'll subsist on ice chips for more than 12 hours. Lanell has asked if I can see myself having a "kicking, screaming baby" and I still can't make that enormous leap. I suspect that no matter what happens I'll be shocked by the outcome.