Wednesday, December 31, 2008


I remember at this time last year how very very ready I was for 2007 to be over. I think that we can safely say that 2007 was the worst year on record for me - completely devastating. Really, not much redeemed 2007, even in retrospect. It sucked, good riddance, etc.

2008 has objectively been a better year, I guess. It has taken an interminably long time to get through. Although by most measures I am in a much better place now than I was at this time last year, my life still feels like it is being lived in limbo. We made it through the year and the calendar tells me we are closer to the possibility of having a baby with us. BUT BUT BUT. I can say that, i can talk about it with my doctor and my therapist, I can act normal-ish when people tell me how close it is. I don't really feel it. Or if I start to feel it, if I start to feel hopeful and excited, I inevitably feel more scared and paranoid afterwards, convinced that something is wrong or soon will be.

The latest update is that the amnio test for lung development has been moved to the 14th. That is two weeks away. My doctor wants to go ahead and schedule induction for that day or the day after, assuming that the test comes back positive. If the test comes back negative we will reschedule based on those results. I'm having a hard time figuring out when exactly to schedule the induction, as it all seems sort of make-believe-y to me to think that disaster won't strike between now and then.

It did occur to me over the weekend that I should perhaps start making some preparations for childbirth. Last time we took a great childbirth class, I did yoga, I had a philosophy and some clear guidelines about what I wanted to happen. That was all thrown out the window and now, well. I don't know what I want, beyond delivering a baby safely. I've been told there's a 1 in 3 chance of a c-section with an induction at 36 weeks I'm okay with that, I think. I've been told that there's really no likelihood that I can make it through an induced labor without an epidural and I'm fine with that, too. I do know that no matter what happens, Lanell, our doula, will be there with us. That's a comforting thought.

Although the quest to have another child has certainly taken up the majority of my mental and emotional energy in 2008, other things did happen in my life. I have finished my classes, completed my student teaching and passed my certification exams. I am qualified to teach elementary school. So that's a good thing - there's a chance that one day I will actually earn a salary again, which would be nice. The past year and a half of living on one salary has not been an easy thing, and the upcoming months of continuing to live on one salary while hopefully having a baby in the house is intimidating. But! eventually I do hope to contribute to our household budget again. Man it would certainly be nice.

The holidays were pretty calm, my semi-regular panic moments notwithstanding. Quiet, easy, low-key. All good things in my book. We got a new camera from Santa/my mom. Perhaps eventually I'll download pictures and put something up here besides the rambling accounts of my neuroses that I've been sharing of late. I'm off to a dinner party to ring in 2009, a year which I hope to be able to describe as "just fine" one day.

Friday, December 05, 2008


So yesterday I went for another ultrasound. Things continue to look good, babygirl is measuring at approximately 4 pounds 4 ounces, give or take 12 oz (!). By that estimate, if all goes well she will be over 6 pounds when I reach 36 weeks. That sounds good to me, though still very far away. The blood pressure continues to be managed, the weight gain is a little higher than I would like but no one else is saying anything about it, so I guess I can say that things are going well, whether it feels that way or not.

Since I actually saw and spoke with with my high-risk doctor yesterday (usually I am just in his office for an ultrasound) we got to have that awkward moment where he said something that revealed that he was unaware of my particular circumstances. It went pretty smoothly, I guess, as smoothly as those things can go. I've seen enough doctors and healthcare professionals that at this point I really only expect my therapist to remember exactly why I'm so freaked out. But it's still a little disappointing to be reminded that my situation doesn't get automatically seared in the brain of every person I've encountered in the last year and a half of my life.

At the end of my visit we scheduled all of my remaining visits with him between now and that magical 36 weeks. In actuality, the last one we scheduled is for 35 weeks and 4 days, and at that visit I am scheduled to do an amnio to determine lung maturity. That test tells us when it will be safe to induce. Previously I had expected that I would have that test done on the Wednesday or Thursday before MLK day, but now it will be on the Monday before MLK day. Somehow those two days are a boon to my psyche. Although I know that technically it doesn't necessarily mean that the actual induction could happen any sooner, and I feel compelled to give my obligatory IF EVERYTHING GOES WELL BETWEEN NOW AND THEN statement. IF I make it that far without any problems (other than mental, I should interject) THEN we will do the amnio a little earlier than I expected (NOT THINKING ABOUT DETAILS OF AMNIO AS I DON"T LIKE NEEDLES) and then possibly the induction could happen a little earlier than I originally thought.

In the meantime, there is the problem of making it to that point with my head still attached. Often it feels like my head could spin off at any moment, powered by the churning of my anxious thoughts. Emily has been good, reminding me that time passes whether I feel it or not, that I should think of this as our friend Nick thought of boot camp. Each day you make it through can't be taken away. I try to remember that as each day seems to take an eternity to make it through.

I am trying to line up various activities to keep me busy over the next few weeks, in the hopes that distraction is the best plan. I've made a list of various projects that require my attention. Primary among them is a wedding album. Wha? But you've been married for nearly FIVE YEARS! I hear you saying. It is true - and for the entirety of those five years, I have lived without having a physical wedding album. Can you believe it??? I procrastinate, what can I say? But I have finally gone through all of the digital files and chosen the best ones. I have a leather-bound scrapbook, I have paper, adhesive, pens. It will happen. I may even choose a couple of photos and FRAME THEM OMG.

I like this one cause it's classic


I like this one too

wedding done