Friday, February 22, 2008

Save the Drama

Oh, I wish. I wish that I could manage to get my period without busting into tears at some point. Really, life would be easier.

Sunday is my birthday - oh, happy day. Not so much. Since the anniversary of my father's death is usually 6 (but this year 7) days after my birthday, for the last 10 years my birthday has been - pretty good at best, I think. Wisely, for my 30th I celebrated early (in a great party shared with Becky). So it's not like it has ruined birthdays for me forever, it's just - as my birthday approaches, I kind of start the sinking a little. It actually took me a while to accept that I can't expect to just celebrate like a normal person. I am ambivalent about my birthday, and I'm okay with that now. You should be okay with it, too - when I say I don't know what I want to do for my birthday, I MEAN IT.

ANYWAY. What I am having a hard time with these days is feeling like this year's birthday, my 32nd, is just the kickoff of a long slide towards the fresher, more abysmatic (I know that isn't a word but it feels right) anniversary that is coming in April. April, which doesn't seem very far away any more. Had you asked me in June I would have said that I wanted to be at least 6 months pregnant in April. I will feel very lucky, very very lucky, to be six weeks pregnant by then. 32 years - if you had asked me at 25, I would have said that I wanted to have at least one and maybe two kids by 32. I will feel lucky, very very lucky, to have one child safe home with me by 33.

Sorry, y'all. I just realized that I really don't want to explore the depths of my grief after all. Suffice to say, it sucks. There are good things in my life - school is going pretty well for the most part, I've lost a little weight and am back to the yoga more regularly, student loans are in and we have a bit of breathing room financially. But I continue to shake my fist at the universe, and then I kind of whine to the universe. "Seriously?" I ask the universe. "Really? Can't you just fucking move on already?"

Shrugging, the universe seems to say "Eh, I'm here, why not a little more for this one?"

Friday, February 15, 2008


So! Two weeks of no posts and somehow I don't have a large store of excitement to share with you. Sorry about that.

School is humming along nicely thus far - I will be doing my first lesson on Tuesday morning if you want to think nice thoughts for me. It's a read-aloud of The Lorax, tied in with the kids' recent unit on natural resources. I hope that it will go well. Yesterday I was there for the afternoon Valentine's Day party, which was quite a show. One girl told me I was "mean" - or rather, she said that some other girls said I was mean. Thanks, kid. I told her that sometimes when people tell us not-nice things about other people, the best thing to do is keep it to ourself. To be fair, I had brought out the hard-core teacher voice earlier - just said a little girl's name and gave her a look. It worked but then I felt bad.

I was talking to K last night about the weird passive-aggressive way that we talk to children these days. "You need to keep your hands to yourself" "I need you to sit in your desk" "Do you need to be twirling that ruler or do you need to be paying attention?" "Thank you for listening attentively" ETC AD NAUSEUM. Why do we NEED to do this, and NEED to do that? I don't know, but it is so pervasive that I have picked it up seamlessly. I caught myself telling Bink that I needed her to pee in the yard. Gah.

In neighborhood news, I have finally met M from My Rubberbandball. She put out the word that she had free magazines, and I finally hoofed it over to her (lovely) house to reap the bounty of Martha Stewarts and Cooking Lights. Yay! Also, her kid is awesome. AND, our totally awesome friend Hoke has moved in to the 'hood, almost exactly a mile from our house. We are hosting a little dinner thang for him tomorrow night - I think there will be Chicken Cacciatore, Eggplant Parmesan, and some garden bounty (carrots! Lots of carrots!) for Hoke and some of his friends who also live in the neighborhood. Should be fun.

There is a little movement on the fertility front - I have the card for the specialist but haven't called yet, and my doc has switched out my blood pressure meds and ordered blood draws to monitor my hormones. I've calmed down about it all just a bit, but just a bit. It sucks and I feel like my body is working against me. I've never been a very physical person, any exercise I get is still pretty much done because it's something I KNOW I should do. It's not like I live a life of the mind, more just a general modern disconnect with physicality. I'm not quite sure where I'm going with this. I've had this long-term vaguely distant relationship with my body, and now I feel like it's secretly been pissed about it forever and now is punishing me. Hi, crazy!