Saturday, November 01, 2008

Meanwhile, Back at the Ranch House

Goodness, has it really been two weeks since I last updated? I guess time flies when you're spending all day keeping up with 7-year-olds and all evening "resting" (ie, internet and television in lieu of schoolwork).

Things continue to move along. Babygirl gives me greater and more regular reassurance of her vitality by moving around throughout the day, and things are starting to be timed with my food intake. Almost every morning I seem to wake up ahead of the alarm clock - some time between 5 and 5:45 usually. I'll lie in bed, half awake. And I'll send her my request - "honey, please give me a little something so I know you're okay before I get up" - and so far she's proving pretty cooperative. I'll get a thump, often within about 10-20 seconds.

I'm at 25 weeks, and I have to say that 36 weeks doesn't seem any closer now than it did at 12 weeks. Being this far along does mean that I have the reassurance of movement that I can usually detect, but it brings other complications for my situation, too. First, I've been pregnant before, so there are constant reminders of our loss. I'll think about how things are the same, or more likely, how incredibly different I feel now. That leads to pondering what I was thinking and feeling when I was pregnant before, and how it all went wrong. My therapist refers to this as re-experiencing the trauma, and tells me to be aware and not do anything that I know ahead of time will be a trigger. So, fair warning - I won't be driving to Bryan America by myself again.

Being noticeably pregnant means more casual conversations with people that I don't know, and that means such innocent, normal questions as "is this your first?" or "do you want a boy or a girl?" or all sorts of questions about "when the baby comes."

Some days I handle that sort of thing better than others, but no matter what I spend a lot of time going over my reaction after. I can't really talk about plans, as I kind of don't have any. My plan is to make it through each day without going crazy with worry and sadness. Actually, my hope is to make it through each day without going crazy with worry and sadness. Being busy with student teaching continues to be a good thing on that front, but my energy level is starting to drop, and at the end of the day I am more likely to be wiped out than I was before. Makes it hard to keep up with the workload, but so far I think I'm doing okay, I've gotten good evaluations and all that sort of thing. My strategy is to look no more than a week ahead, and usually it is more like two days ahead that I can see.

At the moment, two days ahead means the election. I'm nervous and scared and can barely bring myself to be hopeful that Obama could really be elected. As much as I think that if the world is good in the way that I believe it should be Obama will be our next President, I still can't bring myself to get my hopes up. It's a familiar feeling...

1 comment:

  1. Hang in there, sweetie. That was a very brave post.

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