We're home, after having been gone for a week. Being gone for a week over the holidays isn't that bad, except that we didn't exactly plan to be gone for so long. We didn't decide for sure to leave last Saturday instead of Sunday until that morning, and we didn't decide to stay in Shreveport through Friday until Wednesday night, and we didn't decide to spend last night in Bryan until yesterday afternoon. We decided to do all of those things, but I still feel a little bamboozled about the fact that I've been gone for a week.
The Christmas family gathering was both not as bad as I imagined, and just as bad as I imagined. There were tears, and it was stressful to be around a baby that was born a month after RP was due. I have been around other babies that same age, but seeing him in that house, with all of my relatives around, really drilled into me what we are missing. And of course having all of this timed to perfectly coincide with my period, well. Ugh, that pretty much covers it. The suckage continues.
My mother is planning to sell her house in the spring and hopes to build a new, smaller home. This is great, except of course it means that she must clean out the 32 years of stuff that our family has generated. The big wall o' books in the living room has been decimated, and I now have a big fat box of books to attempt to sell online (we culled the first edition first printings, and researched them all and have about 30 that may be worth a little something). And the three boxes of high school crap that I have successfully avoided bringing home with me for the last two years had to be sifted, and I brought two boxes back. I'm such a sucker.
Reading through all of the notes and letters made me realize two things. 1) I managed to catch the tail end of the epistolary era, and it turns out that I actually wrote and received plenty of mail through the years 2) I never write or receive mail now unless it is a an occasion. We got tons and tons of cards when we lost RP and it was much appreciated, but letters now function as official gestures, I think. Christmas, birthdays, deaths, etc.
As we left Bryan this afternoon, I felt burdened by the stuff I was bringing back with me. And I realized that it is just the beginning of the process. My mother has done an admirable job of cleaning out her belongings on a regular basis, but there is still SO MUCH that needs to be sifted, sorted, possibly sold, and finally moved (probably twice, but that's another matter). K and I used to talk the good talk about crap-free living, but it is hard to maintain. This stuff is insidious, and I turn around to find piles and piles of it everywhere. I guess constant vigilance is required, but right now I don't feel like I have the energy.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Monday, December 17, 2007
Squash
It's not just a way for your rich kid to get into the Ivy League.
In our fall garden, Kelly planted these tromboncini squash that we weren't quite sure what to do with. It turns out that they are really great, and I look forward to growing them again. They have a wonderful buttery flavor, and are much less watery than your zucchini types. The texture is more like a light butternut squash. Highly recommended.
Sadly, the harvest is done and we have no more of them. With the second-to-last one, we made another tart using a sheet of puff pastry. (I should remember to always have puff pastry on hand, it is so yummy and somehow people are impressed when you serve anything using it).
In a nod to the season, we used gruyere on top. It was so awesome that I failed to take a picture of the finished product.
In our fall garden, Kelly planted these tromboncini squash that we weren't quite sure what to do with. It turns out that they are really great, and I look forward to growing them again. They have a wonderful buttery flavor, and are much less watery than your zucchini types. The texture is more like a light butternut squash. Highly recommended.
Sadly, the harvest is done and we have no more of them. With the second-to-last one, we made another tart using a sheet of puff pastry. (I should remember to always have puff pastry on hand, it is so yummy and somehow people are impressed when you serve anything using it).
In a nod to the season, we used gruyere on top. It was so awesome that I failed to take a picture of the finished product.
Throwback
How often do you have that conversation about "what did we do before cell phones?"
Well, here's one thing we did - we just walked over to dinner at our friends' houses without a phone, or keys, or anything else. We stayed longer than expected, and returned home to find that our husbands were gone and the house was locked.
So, we decided to sit and wait, imagining that our husband had gotten tired of waiting for us to get home before going to the grocery store as needed. We imagined how nice it was of him to go ahead and do the shopping, since that is usually our job.
We tried not to think about how much time was or was not passing, or how much we had to pee, or how our toes were getting pretty cold and our butt was too. We paced, we sat on the tailgate and swung our legs to try to keep the blood flowing to our toes, we did the stretches that the physical therapist prescribed for that lingering can't-use-my-arm thing. We were grateful that we had a nice handmade alpaca scarf around our neck, and marveled that just the scarf could pretty much keep us warm enough.
Inevitably, as time passed, it occurred to us that perhaps he had not simply gone to the grocery store. We remembered that our friends had invited him to go to a concert, and that other friends were planning a marathon 58-song Rock Band session. We imagined how late either of those things might go, and tried to decide if we could just wait that long, swinging our legs and sitting on the tailgate while the neighbor's cat stared from the end of the driveway.
After noticing that our across the street neighbors were awake and in their living room, we probably figured now was our chance and we went over to knock on their door. Of course, before cell phones, we would have had most necessary phone numbers memorized. Now, not so much - a couple of wrong numbers at 10:50pm might be the casualty of living in the age of instant contact.
So, a full hour after leaving our friends' house to walk home, we finally reached our husband and he came home straight away from his long night of rockin'.
Well, here's one thing we did - we just walked over to dinner at our friends' houses without a phone, or keys, or anything else. We stayed longer than expected, and returned home to find that our husbands were gone and the house was locked.
So, we decided to sit and wait, imagining that our husband had gotten tired of waiting for us to get home before going to the grocery store as needed. We imagined how nice it was of him to go ahead and do the shopping, since that is usually our job.
We tried not to think about how much time was or was not passing, or how much we had to pee, or how our toes were getting pretty cold and our butt was too. We paced, we sat on the tailgate and swung our legs to try to keep the blood flowing to our toes, we did the stretches that the physical therapist prescribed for that lingering can't-use-my-arm thing. We were grateful that we had a nice handmade alpaca scarf around our neck, and marveled that just the scarf could pretty much keep us warm enough.
Inevitably, as time passed, it occurred to us that perhaps he had not simply gone to the grocery store. We remembered that our friends had invited him to go to a concert, and that other friends were planning a marathon 58-song Rock Band session. We imagined how late either of those things might go, and tried to decide if we could just wait that long, swinging our legs and sitting on the tailgate while the neighbor's cat stared from the end of the driveway.
After noticing that our across the street neighbors were awake and in their living room, we probably figured now was our chance and we went over to knock on their door. Of course, before cell phones, we would have had most necessary phone numbers memorized. Now, not so much - a couple of wrong numbers at 10:50pm might be the casualty of living in the age of instant contact.
So, a full hour after leaving our friends' house to walk home, we finally reached our husband and he came home straight away from his long night of rockin'.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
THANK YOUS
Remember how I had a big stack of thank yous to write for all of the nice things people did/gave us when we lost the baby? I thought I was done with them, but it turns out there's way more.
On Tuesday evening, the dogs started barking and I looked out the window to see the UPS man coming up our walk. This was unexpected, as I've told you (OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN, apparently) we're in the no-spend zone.
The UPS man handed me a Dyson box. I knew what was in it because the picture on the outside clearly showed me that it was the Stowaway I so nonchalantly linked to in a previous post.
Is this some sort of lesson in the power of the Secret or something? The universe somehow trying to show me that it's not all shit out there, good things can come my way too? This just happened to arrive the evening after we got back from visiting my doctor to discuss our attempts to get pregnant. She wasn't exactly dismissive, but it was clear that she thought I should just chill out and not be in such a hurry. I knew that would be the reaction but I still have a hard time with it. I've talked about this with my therapist (conveniently scheduled for the following morning) and I can't separate getting pregnant from the "healing process." One is part of the other, and like the hepa filter and clear bin technology they are two parts of the same machine. Only the machine of healing my grief doesn't seem to be nearly as efficient and pleasurable as my new vacuum.
Somehow dumping out all of my emotions in therapy still doesn't feel as good as dumping out all of the crap I just sucked out of the living room carpet.
On Tuesday evening, the dogs started barking and I looked out the window to see the UPS man coming up our walk. This was unexpected, as I've told you (OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN, apparently) we're in the no-spend zone.
The UPS man handed me a Dyson box. I knew what was in it because the picture on the outside clearly showed me that it was the Stowaway I so nonchalantly linked to in a previous post.
Is this some sort of lesson in the power of the Secret or something? The universe somehow trying to show me that it's not all shit out there, good things can come my way too? This just happened to arrive the evening after we got back from visiting my doctor to discuss our attempts to get pregnant. She wasn't exactly dismissive, but it was clear that she thought I should just chill out and not be in such a hurry. I knew that would be the reaction but I still have a hard time with it. I've talked about this with my therapist (conveniently scheduled for the following morning) and I can't separate getting pregnant from the "healing process." One is part of the other, and like the hepa filter and clear bin technology they are two parts of the same machine. Only the machine of healing my grief doesn't seem to be nearly as efficient and pleasurable as my new vacuum.
Somehow dumping out all of my emotions in therapy still doesn't feel as good as dumping out all of the crap I just sucked out of the living room carpet.
Thursday, December 06, 2007
Treat
This frugal living thing, as I said, gets easier eventually. It's starting to be easier for me again, but I must confess. When I saw the dollar amount of my upcoming student loan disbursement, I instantly ran through the five things I would like to spend that money on.
The sad thing is, those five things do not include some things that I could really use - a haircut, new clothes, or a big fat sushi dinner. No. Those five things included a new back door (we might have to get this anyway, as ours is truly falling apart and replacement parts are not available, we tried), blinds for our windows (we have lived with the Target special folded paper blinds for more than two years now), and a vacuumm cleaner. Now, I will admit that the vacuum counts as a true indulgence. BUT OMG my big treat to myself would be a $500 vacuum cleaner. Dang, that kind of sucks. (HA! I wrote that without irony!)
So I decided that I really should get myself a treat, and booked a massage for tomorrow. And I didn't even know that she was having a December special when I did it, but it's still $40 I could be putting towards something else. But I feel okay about it - I made it through the first semester back in school, and I can't lift my arm. A massage is officially in order.
Now if I could find a way to justify glomming on to K's January trip to San Francisco.
The sad thing is, those five things do not include some things that I could really use - a haircut, new clothes, or a big fat sushi dinner. No. Those five things included a new back door (we might have to get this anyway, as ours is truly falling apart and replacement parts are not available, we tried), blinds for our windows (we have lived with the Target special folded paper blinds for more than two years now), and a vacuumm cleaner. Now, I will admit that the vacuum counts as a true indulgence. BUT OMG my big treat to myself would be a $500 vacuum cleaner. Dang, that kind of sucks. (HA! I wrote that without irony!)
So I decided that I really should get myself a treat, and booked a massage for tomorrow. And I didn't even know that she was having a December special when I did it, but it's still $40 I could be putting towards something else. But I feel okay about it - I made it through the first semester back in school, and I can't lift my arm. A massage is officially in order.
Now if I could find a way to justify glomming on to K's January trip to San Francisco.
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Done and Done
I turned my project in tonight, and although I do feel some sense of relief, it is not the great release I was hoping for. I guess I am realizing that this year is almost over - it's a good thing, but of course it's a little more complicated than just good riddance. I very much want this year to be over. I can only hope that 2007 will go down as one of the worst years of my life. I lost my son, my job, and my sense of myself there for a while.
But I think in my mind I've given myself to the end of the year to get myself together. Next semester I'll be taking a school load that is much more intense than this one. I still plan to continue working part time. I expect that the getting-pregnant activities may also become more intense (I will be seeing my lady doctor next week to discuss). And the money situation will be tighter because being in school full time will mean I give up life on the dole (although one dole is being replaced by another - my first student loan!!). So although I feel like I am under a lot of stress now, I also know that it will be even greater in the new year. Most of the time I feel like I am building towards it, and that I can handle it and it will be fine. But I also feel sort of queasy at the prospect.
Also, Christmas is going to suck. I need to be clear on that - my period is due on the 23rd, it will be 8 months since we lost RP, and...I think that's enough for suckage. But, I've been dreading it for so long I can almost look forward to it just being done with.
But I think in my mind I've given myself to the end of the year to get myself together. Next semester I'll be taking a school load that is much more intense than this one. I still plan to continue working part time. I expect that the getting-pregnant activities may also become more intense (I will be seeing my lady doctor next week to discuss). And the money situation will be tighter because being in school full time will mean I give up life on the dole (although one dole is being replaced by another - my first student loan!!). So although I feel like I am under a lot of stress now, I also know that it will be even greater in the new year. Most of the time I feel like I am building towards it, and that I can handle it and it will be fine. But I also feel sort of queasy at the prospect.
Also, Christmas is going to suck. I need to be clear on that - my period is due on the 23rd, it will be 8 months since we lost RP, and...I think that's enough for suckage. But, I've been dreading it for so long I can almost look forward to it just being done with.
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Schmealth
Sorry this has sort of turned into a catalog of my health woes. So far a slipped or bulging disc, tumor, and MS have been ruled out as causes of my arm issue. We're pretty much stuck at "Gee, that's strange. Let me know if it gets worse."
Soooo - everyone around me seems to think that this is stress related, or has something to do with working on a laptop at the kitchen counter. So I think I will get a massage to shut them up. Also, to celebrate being done with this semester (after tomorrow at 6:30pm, that is). Emily says not to underestimate the relief I will feel when I am actually done, so I am looking forward to that sense of elation as I leave the Texas State campus.
Not for nothing, but No-Spend-tober was a success, and No-Spendber was okay too (car trouble prevented it from being a total success) so De-Spendber is here. And really, no-spend-year is coming up. It does get easier, although my sushi cravings have not abated. Mostly I'm trying to figure out how to swing a cheap Christmas. Thank goodness I took that Handmade Pledge!
Soooo - everyone around me seems to think that this is stress related, or has something to do with working on a laptop at the kitchen counter. So I think I will get a massage to shut them up. Also, to celebrate being done with this semester (after tomorrow at 6:30pm, that is). Emily says not to underestimate the relief I will feel when I am actually done, so I am looking forward to that sense of elation as I leave the Texas State campus.
Not for nothing, but No-Spend-tober was a success, and No-Spendber was okay too (car trouble prevented it from being a total success) so De-Spendber is here. And really, no-spend-year is coming up. It does get easier, although my sushi cravings have not abated. Mostly I'm trying to figure out how to swing a cheap Christmas. Thank goodness I took that Handmade Pledge!
Monday, December 03, 2007
Tortilla Soup
This recipe comes from Diana Kennedy's The Essential Cuisines of Mexico which so far is my only Mexican food cookbook, but I have not gotten CLOSE to needing another one yet. I think I mentioned previously the broiling of tomatoes. (for some reason I can't get the post up to link to it) and this is my primary use for them.
Sopa De Tortilla (serves 6)
12 small tortillas, cut into strips and dried
12 oz broiled tomatoes
1/4 c chopped onion
1 garlic clove
6 cups caldo de pollo (I use whatever stock I have frozen plus bullion if necessary)
2 sprigs epazote
3 pasilla chiles, fried crisp and crumbled (I used a jalapeno blistered in a cast iron skillet)
6 heaped tablespoons grated chihuahua cheese or muenster
Heat vegetable oil in a large skillet and fry the tortilla strips until they are lightly browned but not too crisp. Drain them on paper toweling. Pour off all but 1 T of oil.
Blend the tomatoes, onion and garlic to a smooth sauce, then add to the oil and fry for about 5 minutes, until the sauce is well seasoned and has reduced somewhat. (I added the blistered pepper at this point)
Add the sauce to the Caldo de Pollo and bring to a boil. Adjust seasoning. Add the tortilla strips and cook them for about 3 minutes. (I reserve 1/2 of the tortillas and serve them on top of the soup). Just before serving add the epazote, cook for 1 minute more.
We serve with some crispy tortilla strips and cheese, glorious cheese. Sorry, no photos of that step because we were in such a hurry to eat it. This is VERY FILLING and totally awesome.
After an MRI and a CAT scan, I'm scheduled for some blood work and a nerve test tomorrow as they keep trying to figure out what is going on, why I can't seem to use my left shoulder or bicep. It's kind of frustrating, and I saw the bill for the MRI today when I was in the office for the CAT scan (insurance said they would pay, they just haven't paid yet). Ack. Thank goodness for that state job, K - keep payin those taxes, people!
Sopa De Tortilla (serves 6)
12 small tortillas, cut into strips and dried
12 oz broiled tomatoes
1/4 c chopped onion
1 garlic clove
6 cups caldo de pollo (I use whatever stock I have frozen plus bullion if necessary)
2 sprigs epazote
3 pasilla chiles, fried crisp and crumbled (I used a jalapeno blistered in a cast iron skillet)
6 heaped tablespoons grated chihuahua cheese or muenster
Heat vegetable oil in a large skillet and fry the tortilla strips until they are lightly browned but not too crisp. Drain them on paper toweling. Pour off all but 1 T of oil.
Blend the tomatoes, onion and garlic to a smooth sauce, then add to the oil and fry for about 5 minutes, until the sauce is well seasoned and has reduced somewhat. (I added the blistered pepper at this point)
Add the sauce to the Caldo de Pollo and bring to a boil. Adjust seasoning. Add the tortilla strips and cook them for about 3 minutes. (I reserve 1/2 of the tortillas and serve them on top of the soup). Just before serving add the epazote, cook for 1 minute more.
We serve with some crispy tortilla strips and cheese, glorious cheese. Sorry, no photos of that step because we were in such a hurry to eat it. This is VERY FILLING and totally awesome.
After an MRI and a CAT scan, I'm scheduled for some blood work and a nerve test tomorrow as they keep trying to figure out what is going on, why I can't seem to use my left shoulder or bicep. It's kind of frustrating, and I saw the bill for the MRI today when I was in the office for the CAT scan (insurance said they would pay, they just haven't paid yet). Ack. Thank goodness for that state job, K - keep payin those taxes, people!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
