Sunday, September 23, 2007


My coffers are heaped.

Friday was a tough day for me - I had worked at my new part-time gig (going fine, thanks - nothing too thrilling but good people and I still think it's good for me to do) all week, and I had spent several days of the week trying not to imagine that I might be pregnant, since I was on day 36 of my (previously 29-day) cycle. I jammed my toe last week and had been walking around all week with a doctor-provided corrective sandal (as sexy as it sounds, yes). The money situation is beginning to catch up with us - we no longer have the monthly cushion to deal with things like parking tickets. Judging from talking to friends and family, their weeks weren't so hot either.

So, I took it easy Friday. I went over to see Lanell and briefly deliver a little something for her birth bundle. Kelly and I had lunch together at home, and I did a little bit of cleaning up around the house in preparation for my mom's visit this weekend. I talked to my sister for a while (and cried a bit). After dinner, we watched the first two episodes of the final season of Six Feet Under and it appears that it sent me over the edge. Brenda had a miscarriage the day before her wedding, Billy went off his meds, Nate is an asshole, David and Keith can't agree about how to have a baby, etc etc. There was nothing good. I knew I didn't really want to watch it but I couldn't just go in the other room for some reason.

Some heaving sobs later, Kelly agreed that he would watch the rest of the season when I am not at home. It isn't surprising that it fucked with my head because to be honest I was already in that dismal place. The fact that I wasn't pregnant just made me realize that this is not going to be easy. I already knew that, but of course I hoped that maybe it would be easy. We weren't really trying, and I knew that 'not really trying' hadn't worked for us before. But wouldn't it have been nice if it had? Smacked down for hoping to get a break.

Then, last night we went to a little wedding celebration of some family friends. She got married two months ago in Mexico, and her maternal grandmother died the day of the ceremony. Then, a month later exactly, her paternal grandfather died. And THEN, about a month after THAT, her new husband's dog died (he was a very special dog, honest.) So it wasn't surprising for her father to give an emotional speech - he said that the good times sometimes seem few and far between, so we have to take advantage of them when they come. Whatever it says about my current mental state, I thought - hey! That makes me think of a poem I read recently!

Here 'tis:

For each ecstatic instant
We must an aguish pay
In keen and quivering ration
To the ecstasy.

For each beloved hour
Sharp pittances of years
Bitter contested farthings
And coffers heaped with tears

(Emily Dickinson)

And that pretty much sums up how I'm doing. I feel like I'm heaping my coffers these days, thinking that it's got to pay off some day.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007


I am slowly building back my capacity for Getting Things Done. I am still just generally moving slower than I used to, and spacing out more, and generally just am less capable than I once was. But it is coming back.

I think that this part-time job thing will help. So far the work is pretty basic, which is just what I need - a nice mail merge to clear the palate. It's like a sorbet. Having a place to go for a chunk of the day means that I have to be a little more on top of what else needs doing. I used to not really have a system for my regular life to-do list, but I had one that worked well for me at work. I find that I really need one now, between school and regular life. I've started trying to put something together but so far nothing is really clicking. I started to read Getting Things Done but of course haven't finished it yet. I guess I'll put it on the ever-elusive list.

At the top of the list is "get pregnant again" but honestly, I don't think it is going very well. My cycles have not yet settled into a healthy rhythm and I am not making any progress on the "get healthy for health's sake" front. I think I've gained weight, I am not working out regularly, and I'm not eating right. Somehow I suspect that number 1 is kind of related to numbers two and three, but could someone clarify that for me?

Thursday, September 13, 2007

That's What She Said

Things seem to be picking up steam around here. I'm fully into the school year now, have my list of projects and will even have my first exam in two weeks. Scary! I think that I am like most office automatons in America in that since I graduated from college, I have just gotten stupider and stupider. It's a slow process, but I've given it ten years and I think I've successfully dropped at least one rung on the intellectual ladder.

So doing "Master's-level" work is a challenge. I can't seem to concentrate for more than 15 minutes at a time, it takes more than an hour for me to read 40 pages, and I am supposed to be paying attention in class for 2 1/2 hours! Ye gads! It is getting a little better, but slowly. I can only hope I'm not the only one.

In job-hunting news, my resume re-write seems to have worked, so I am now getting more interviews and calls. This is not a bad thing, we'll see if anything actually comes of it. Everything is still very up in the air at the moment, and although I am increasingly sure about what I am looking for, and what I want to do, it's still hard to know what is ahead for me. I also am sure that things could change at any moment.

WOW - they did change in a moment! Right as I was writing this I got offered a part-time position that I interviewed for earlier this week. SO. That will be interesting...

Okay, off to get a couple more things done today, since this is my last week of total unemployment.

Friday, September 07, 2007

School Daze

Okay, since last we met I began attending GRADUATE SCHOOL.

That is right. In the midst of my greatest personal crisis to date (I mean, it sucked when Trey Simms moved away before seventh grade without having declared his undying love for me, but I made it through in one piece) I am expecting to be able to go back to school and hoping to do fairly well.

So far my biggest challenge seems to be my attention span. I had a hard time focusing before my world fell apart, but now it is often entirely out of reach for me. My classes are 2 hours and 45 minutes long. That is a long ass time, people. The textbooks are not written by JK Rowling, so I don't seem to be able to read 40-page chapters in less than an hour. I am expected to TAKE NOTES. Take notes!! Gah! Mostly I keep finding my mind wandering off and then trying to snap back to attention.

It ain't easy, to be honest with you. I was never a great student - never seemed to have the drive and/or focus needed to really be good in school. Historically I have been a coaster by nature. So this is going to take effort and we'll just have to see how that goes, right?

In other news I have been a knitting fiend. I started my 12th Mason-Dixon washcloth this morning, and it may be my last - I'm finally down to my last ball of dishcloth cotton (I bought a bunch last year thinking they would be good stocking stuffers. They are good stocking stuffers, but only if you knit them into warshcloths!)

I've also knit ten baby hats for a local midwife to take to Tibet. No photos, of course. And I've started a shawl for my grandmother for Christmas, although I must be honest - I'm having second thoughts about that one. Not loving the colors all that much any more. Not sure about the stitch pattern, size, or anything. We'll see how that goes. The good news is that I am no longer hesitant to rip something out if it doesn't work (which I should have done last year with the scarf I made for my sister.)

Any minute now the inlaws will arrive, they're here for a last-minute trip. Not too sure how we'll entertain them all weekend, but not too worried about it to be honest. Last-minute is last-minute all around...