Sunday, October 21, 2007

That Didn't Take Long

Despite our hopes and efforts - including weekly acupuncture appointments, daily Vitamin B6 supplements, progesterone cream, abstaining from alcohol, and now four cycles of charting my temperature, I am not pregnant. I got my period yesterday.

That news, combined with some other stuff, made for a particularly horrendous day yesterday. This sucks because even though I joked that I was waiting for the smackdown after getting accepted into the accelerated program, a part of me felt like that was the turnaround I had been waiting for. I hoped that I would be able to look back and say - yes, in October things finally started to get better. I got pregnant, I got into the program, I felt like I had something to look forward to.

And although I feel like I am trying hard every day NOT to think of getting pregnant as a make-or-break proposition, I can't help but have some hope each month. When the hope is proved wrong, everything hurts all over again. I want to take care of myself, I want to feel better, I try to protect myself but this week will be six months since we lost RP and I feel like it is getting harder.

I'm terrified of facing the holidays without being pregnant. I am not sure what else I can do to feel like I am making positive steps. This fucking sucks.

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