Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Fine

Okay, so I'm not fine. Kelly isn't fine either. We probably won't really be fine any time soon - even when we get pregnant again, even if we are able to have another child or three other children. I mean, yes - maybe we'll be fine then, but it will mean something different than it meant before.

That is what is sinking in for me, I guess. That yes, all sorts of things might happen eventually, but those things won't erase or make better what has already happened.

What has already happened - after months of trying, we got pregnant and expected to have a healthy baby. I had a "high-risk" pregnancy, but it was healthy and normal. I didn't gain too much weight, I had regular ultrasounds and all looked good. We bought a crib, people threw baby showers for us, and we had the nursery painted and the glider ordered (still waiting for the call to let us know that it is ready to be picked up, by the way). Then - well, scenes from the days before keep replaying in my mind. I try to think about it, and try to remember when was the last time I felt him move, when I thought something might be wrong, why I didn't consider the possibility that he had died.

I try not to blame myself for not being panicked, for not noticing sooner that something was wrong. Even now, I can barely process the idea of what happened and I've been living with it for a month. How could I have considered it then? When I think about the future though, I wonder - how could I ever NOT consider it?

1 comment:

  1. Hi. I read your sister's blog. My friend that this happened to - she thought about it, of course, with her other two children. She did, and she was scared, and I wish I had more to say about that. But most of us? Don't even consider it. And that's normal, and always considering it from now on is normal, too.

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