Neglect

Oh poor, sad, neglected blog. What with Facebook and Twitter, who needs a blog anymore? Do I even have thoughts that require more than 140 characters anymore?

I remember the blog, but what can I say? Lucinda is growing fast, changing rapidly, I feel the need to document it but I can't keep up! I ordered the Wonder Weeks and started reading it this week and so far I'm liking it, I think it's a good way to think about infant development. Lu has definitely been a little fussier of late and that matches up with an impending leap according to the book. Helpful information! Although it told me not to shake the baby, and I was all - whoa, dude. I'm glad you threw that in there, but really? We need that reminder?

Also, it is a nice contrast to the Sears book that I have been consulting for developmental info and Our Babies, Ourselves which I've been trying to work through. Both are big on the attachment parenting propaganda and it's good to get a little balance. I'm probably a little more on the attachment side of parenting styles than I would have anticipated, but I have found Sears and OBO to be a little heavy-handed. Lots of potential for feeling guilty about doing things "wrong" if you're so disposed. Which I am not. Disposed to feel guilty, that is. Doing things wrong? Entirely possible.

On the continuing life changes front, I've decided to accomplish the following this summer - two summer school classes, two additional certification exams, and a written comprehensive exam for my Master's. Also, find a job. And continue to be primary caregiver to an infant. And if I could get back to pre-baby weight too, maybe?

Daunting. I feel like I've got the infant caregiving under control, for the most part. By that I mean we manage to make it through each day and she still smiles when she sees me in the morning (best feeling in the world, by the way). And I am still thinking that I'll be able to muddle through on the classes and the certification exams. I'm newly intimidated about the comprehensive exam after talking to a friend at school today. And the job? Whoa. Feeling totally lost there. But all I can do is get through it. It certainly can't be worse than the summer of 2007 - in fact, I can say without a doubt that even with that list hanging over me, this is going to be the best summer in YEARS.

The Memory

Today is two years since we lost RP. I got a very sweet phone call this morning, reminding me that at one time I thought I would get to this point without a "kicking, screaming" baby in my life. Lucinda does feel like a miracle at times (like this morning, when I realized she slept for more than 8 hours).



It is true that I wasn't sure it could ever happen for me, and that I am so, so thankful that it has happened. We have a baby with us now.



I told K last night - sometimes, when she is screaming like she was yesterday afternoon, I say to her "This is exactly what I wanted."



A couple of weeks ago K had Lucinda in his arms, doing the bouncy walk around the room with constant narration to keep her distracted from fussiness.



"These are our books, maybe some time you'll read some of them. That's the front door, you have to be careful not to let Addie run out when you open it.



That's a pheasant, your grandfather shot that a long time ago. This is your brother's tree. We'll tell you more about him later."

The Reality

From Baby

I've been in a mother's group that meets each week in March. For our first meeting, we were asked to come prepared to talk about how motherhood has changed us. And I was kind of drawing a blank on that one - I don't feel much different, actually. So I asked the two people I talk to most - my husband and my sister. They both said the same thing - that I am much happier now.

From Baby

Okay, yes. Since April of 2007 I've been depressed an anxious. Some days were better than others, and I was certainly functional - I've managed to get my teaching certificate and most of a Master's degree. But I was not happy, and I don't think anyone who knows me would argue that.

From Baby

I feel lighter now, and more open. Which is not to say that Lucinda has healed all wounds, just that a weight has been lifted. I feel like I've emerged from a cave.

From Baby

I started this post almost a month ago. Obviously I have a lot going on, what with the infant and the two classes and the feeling like I finally want to see and talk to everyone I know. But oh, this mama-ness still feels good, and my baby is getting bigger and bigger and things are moving fast. That's good (school will be over soon!) and bad (I need to find a job and child care!).

From Baby

On the other blog topic front (I did at one time talk about things other than my anxiety issues, right?) I have been working a little on the crib bumper for the baby's room - I had started it for RP, and never picked it up again. I thought about it while pregnant, looked at the fabric and knew that I still wanted to use it. I've adapted the Bento Box quilt pattern to be the right size for a crib bumper a la Denyse Schmidt. I'm about halfway done with the piecing, which means I am less than 1/4 done with the quilt, as we know that binding is 1/2 the effort (at least in my experience. I have a completed quilt that just needs binding, and have had for six months or more, now??

From Baby

I hope to post some project pictures soon. Until then, baby pictures will have to do.

From Baby

Home Again Home Again

Goodness, I keep forgetting that I have a blog where I post my innermost thoughts and worries.

From Baby

And now, baby pictures.

From Baby

Yes. We have a baby, she lives with us here at our house.

From Baby

We get to hold her and feed her and rock her to sleep. We even get to take her with us to restaurants and stare at her, make sure she's breathing, take her on walks with us, give her baths. It feels amazingly normal, and it is a giant relief.

From Baby

Lucinda was born at 7:25pm on Tuesday, February 3. She weighed 7lb 7oz and measured 20 in. So far life with her is great - she's a champion sleeper,

From Baby

and is gaining weight well (already up 9oz from her birth weight at the two-week checkup). Even though I've been here for the whole thing, I still can hardly believe that she got here safe and sound, that we've had her here with us for more than two weeks.

From Baby

Apparently she's a thumbsucker. Can't wait to find out what else there is to know about her.

Waiting.

I hear that there are actual people who read my blog and they want to know what's up! Sorry I haven't been updating, but it's been a whole lot of not much to see over here. But hey, check it out. Another two weeks has passed since my last post. And hey, look at that. I still have a baby growing here - the ultrasound tech reported Monday that babygirl was at least 7 pounds. Also hey - check it out. I still have five days (-ish) to go.

Since last I posted, I got everything sorted and registered and paid and have attended both of my classes. Both professors were understanding and appear reasonably flexible about the fact that I will be giving birth soon and will consequently be going over the allowed absences. So now I just have to do as much of the work on the syllabus as possible so that I'm in a good spot by next week. Easier said that read, dude.

In the meantime, I generally just feel weird. I've made it to the 38-week mark, which is a relief I guess but not as much of one as I might have imagined. Everything still feels like it is completely in limbo, I continue to have days where I am anxious all day no matter how much she moves.  We did make a run to the hospital weekend before last when I came home after eating at a friend's house to find that my blood pressure was reading 145/107. Everything was fine, they put me on the monitor, drew some blood and sent me home. Lanell said she was frankly surprised that it was my first trip to the hospital, and to be honest I'm surprised too. I don't promise that it will be the last before our appointed check-in time (which is Monday night, by the way).

I'm trying to alternate my disaster thoughts with positive ones, and for the most part I'm doing okay. Preparation is still pretty minimal, no crib set up, no carseat installed. I feel like all of that can wait until we know the outcome. I have gone through and separated the newborn-sized clothes that we already have, but can't seem to bring myself to remove tags or wash them. I've gone shopping for new clothes even, but can't seem to buy them. I've looked at bouncer seats and the BOB Revolution but can't make a purchase on those, either. (and the stroller is even on sale at REI right now! How can I pass it up??)

I know we've gotten this far and things still look good, and I hope that we make it to Monday night with things continuing the way they have. Beyond that? I can't see that far right now...